Saturday, November 8, 2008

Off With His Hands!

I don't know how Carlos Rogers spent his bye week, but he would've been well served spending at least a few minutes browsing this site if he didn't drop his laptop first. Yes, 'Los has emerged as the Redskins' best corner this season. Yes, he's been solid in coverage and he's laid the wood to a few dudes. And yes, he's played remarkably well one year removed from serious knee surgery. But good gosh almighty, the guy can't catch a ball to save his freaking life! I suppose that's why he's not a wide receiver -- or a fireman. Can you imagine the horror of being trapped on the fifth floor of a burning building and looking out the window to find Carlos Rogers at the end of a ladder one floor below screaming "jump"?

The solution to Rogers' problem? Amputate his hands. If it sounds ridiculous, that's because it is. Ridiculously brilliant. If Rogers can't catch with hands, then removing them is no big loss, right? Rogers' hands are kind of like the human tailbone, evolutionary remnants that serve no real purpose. Without hands, Rogers would never be called for holding and he'd be forced to improve his technique. Win-win. People would also no longer curse Rogers when he dropped an interception because, well, that would just be wrong. I mean, the guy wouldn't have any hands.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Predicting Tonight's Boomerisms

By now you've heard that Chris Berman will interview Barack Obama and John McCain during tonight's Redskins-Steelers game. How might Boomer refer to the presidential hopefuls, I wonder...

Barack "Cartwright" Obama

Barack "Chalk, Jayhawk" Obama

Barack "And Roll" Obama

Barack "Collection" Obama

Barack "Save Your Drama For Your" Obama

Barack "Oh! Oh! Oh!" Obama

Barack "You Like a Hurricane" Obama

John "Edwin" McCain

"Ral" John McCain

John "Riggins "McCain"

John "Night Train" McCain

John McCain "And Abel"

John "Bring the Pain" McCain

John Mc "Lane Kiffin"

Please feel free to leave your own superior suggestions in the comments.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Metro Opens Doors; Doors Open for Jim Zorn

So, what stop should I get off at to go to the Spy Museum? Belichick told me it's awesome.

Jim Zorn was in the house on Halloween to get his drink on, mingle with admirers, and talk strategy with the Metro. Zorn threw a challenge flag during beer pong, but there was inconclusive evidence to overturn the call that his elbow was over the line when he released the ball. He also carried around a game plan for Monday's showdown with Shitsburgh -- Zorn's nickname, not mine -- which was only 699 pages shorter than Al Saunders' playbook:
1. Defense! Defense! Defense!
2. Give the ball to Portis
3. Coooooley
4. Go deep with Moss and Randle El
The man keeps it simple, much like Coach Janky Spanky.

I'd normally hesitate to reveal the Skins' plans for the Steelers, but they're hardly a secret. After all, Ben Roethlisberger was in the house too, trying hard to avert his eyes from the cheerleader stretching in the bathroom line.

Hip, hip...

Around 2, the Zornstar headed to the Metro, demanding that I post photos from the night on Facebook. He promised a win Monday in return. With a game plan like Zorn's, the Redskins can't lose.

You think they'll hold that train for me?