Thursday, December 20, 2007

The Other Todd Collins

While Redskins ball-sniffing savior quarterback Todd Collins was backing up Jim Kelly and Trent Green, linebacker Todd Fucking Collins was busy going to Super Bowls with the New England Patriots and St. Louis Rams. OK, so Todd F. Collins' middle name is actually Franklin. Whatever.

Neither player will have his bust displayed in Canton -- though TCQB might play his way into the Redskins' Ring of Honor if he can become the fourth and most awesomest quarterback to win a Super Bowl under Joe Gibbs -- but it's worth asking: Who is the greatest Todd Collins in NFL history? (You can play this game with Adrian Peterson, too.)

Let's take a look at the Tale of the Todds:

Todd F. Collins

Todd Collins

Carson-Newman, Georgia, and Tennessee



Played 9 years for the Patriots and Rams; played in two Super Bowls (XXXI and XXXIV); recovered two fumbles as a rookie.


Set the NFL quarterback record for the longest time between starts; more to come. Wikipedia says: “No notable achievements.”

Attended same school (Carson-Newman) as former Baltimore Colts linebacker Sanders Shiver, who, incidentally, is the greatest player named Sanders Shiver to ever play the game.


Holds the career completion percentage record at Michigan. Suck it, Tom Brady.

Second image on Google image search for “Todd Collins.”


First image on Google image search for “Todd Collins.”

Rubs charms and stones on areas of his body where he’s had a previous injury, an old Indian fetish.


Sniffs balls. No, really.

Analysis: Todd Collins holds an NFL record; Todd F. Collins just holds charms and stones over his body. Case closed -- even before TCQB adds that Super Bowl MVP award to his resume.

...AND the foul!

The ever witty Colin Cowherd doesn't know anything about the Wake Forest or Connecticut football teams and mailed it in with his comment about their upcoming appearance in the Meineke Car Care Bowl (click above for larger image). But really, if you're going to make a basketball reference to a three-pointer at the buzzer, at least make the winning margin of your projected final score three points or less. Just saying.

As for the SportsNation vs. The Herd Bowl Pick 'Em contest, I predict SportsNation hits a grand slam in the bottom of the ninth to win, 19-13.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Joan Rivers is DeShawn Stevenson

No, she didn't rediscover her long-range stroke. She can't feel her face!

DeShawn should switch his car insurance to Geico. Pronto.

Inside Mark Brunell's Brain

No disrespect to Todd Collins, but playing second fiddle to this guy is a little harder to swallow than when Byron Leftwich unseated me in Jacksonville. It's kind of like the time I watched my former UW teammate Billy Joe Hobert get selected 60 picks ahead of me in the NFL draft. That guy sucked.

But honestly, I just feel blessed to be able to hold a clipboard and wear a sweet NFL official sideline cap for the Washington Redskins. It's also an honor and a blessing to play for Joe Gibbs.

It's also exciting to think that I'm one Michael Strahan pancake or Osi Umenyiora blow to the head away from strapping on my helmet and leading this team again. Not that I would ever wish for anything like that to happen, but have you seen the state of our offensive line? Heck, Steve Emtman would have a field day against this bunch.

I'm not one to second guess Coach Joe, but I really think we need a mobile quarterback -- like me! -- under center for this game.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Live from New York, it's Sunday Night!

On October 27, 1991, the Redskins traveled to East Rutherford, N.J., for a Sunday night game against the defending Super Bowl champion Giants. Washington had rolled to a 7-0 record, while New York, at 4-3, was hoping to keep its NFC East hopes alive.

All of eight years old, I was thrilled to have had a legitimate reason to stay up past my bedtime on a school night; I had a job to to. As an unofficial Redskins beat reporter, I wrote recaps the day after every game that season, finding time in between learning long division and the state capitals in my third grade class.

Here's the recap from that game, reproduced in its original form, which is written in cursive, on wide-ruled notebook paper, stapled between two sheets of red and yellow construction paper:

The Skins kicked off to Mikeelh Johnson. He returned it to the 16. Jeff Hostetler handed off to Rodney Hampton. He ran for five yards. The Giants kept on handing off to Hampton who put them in field goal range. The Giants led 3-0. The Redskins were stuffed on there first drive.

The Giants drove 80 yards to the 9 of Washington but were forced to kick a field goal to make the score 6-0 at the end of the first quarter. In the second quarter the Redskins started from there own 20 yard line. Mark Rypien threw 2 straight complete passes for 18 yards. But pretty soon it was 3rd down and 10. Then he tried to throw a 54 yard pass to Gary Clark but it slipped threw his hands. the score was 13-0 Giants at the end of the first half. In the second half it was all Washington. The Giants kicked of to Brian Mitchell who returned 11 yards to the 23 of Washington. Then Ricky Ervins checked in for Earnest Byner. The Skins were inside the 40 of New York when Mark Rypien threw a 38 yard touchdown pass to make the score 13-7.

The Redskins scored another touchdown on there next drive to make the score 14-13. The final score was 17-13 Redskins.

OF NOTE: Sixteen years later, 3rd down and 10 still seems to arrive "pretty soon"...The Redskins haven't always been a first-half team...I obviously fell asleep shortly after Washington cut the deficit to 13-7...Ricky Ervins was a beast...I could've used an editor.

Here's Frank Litsky's account of the same game in the New York Times.

Basically the same story, no?

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Lastings' Limericks

For those of you unfamiliar with the Lastings Milledge story (son of a Florida state trooper with a cool name becomes can't-miss baseball prospect, drafted by Mets, starts Soul-ja Boi Records, raps about bitches and hos, wears out his welcome in New York, traded to Nats) Steinz provides an excellent summation here. What I want to know is, how the hell did Soul-ja Boi Records let Soulja Boy Tellem get away? That's just poor managing on Lastings' part. And is there a Soul-ja Boy-ee out there?

If Milledge's rap career fizzles -- unlikely, but hey, sometimes the best just can't seem to catch a break -- he could always tap in to his inner Edward Lear and write limericks in his spare time.

My potential is quite astronomical,
My rap lyrics are so bad they’re comical,
I said bitch bend ya knees,
With my boy Manny D,
But I’ll blossom in ways agronomical.

After hitting the ball out of play,
I high-fived the home fans at Shea,
It was my first home run,
Just having some fun,
I’ll be chasing Bonds’ record some day.

I’ll admit I’m a little bit silly,
Enough to rile up ex-teammate Billy,
Know your place rook,
Move over Nook,
As I rock this party from Florida to Philly.

Hello my name’s Lastings Milledge,
From the Mets did ol’ Jim Bowden pillage,
For Church and some change,
I’ve got much better range,
And enough skills to impress a small village.

Imagine one team with me, Dukes and Meat,
For fans and bloggers alike that’s a treat,
Bitches and hos,
A rap sheet that grows,
I think this season could be really sweet.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

In Todd We Trust

For the 22,000-plus people who call Walpole, Massachusetts home, Sunday night's Redskins-Giants tilt just might be the most anticipated football game...of all time. Native son Todd Collins and former resident Tom Coughlin will share the same field -- and this time, only one of them will be sporting a headset!

Collins was a star at Walpole High School (Rebel Pride, baby!) before a successful career at Michigan. The photo in the upper right of the Rebels' Web site appears to be from Super Bowl XXVI, Washington's 37-24 win over the Bills, the team that drafted Collins and for which he started one season after beating out Billy Joe Hobert and Alex Van Pelt. Talk about a heated training camp battle.

Seriously, this is easily the biggest thing to happen to Walpole since that new traffic light was installed at Winter and Main Street, and possibly since the Walpole Little League team made the World Series. Shockingly, no members of the team expressed their affinity for Todd Collins during their taped introductions. That should change soon.

Do Walpole proud, Todd.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Losing Creatively

The Redskins have four games remaining this season. How many more ridiculous ways will they find to lose? We're guessing four.

Chicago Bears 17, Washington Redskins 15

After Jason Campbell fumbles the snap on third-and-goal from the 1, team offensive MVP Shaun Suisham drills a field goal – his NFL single-game record fifth of less than 20 yards – with 2 seconds remaining to give the Redskins a 15-10 lead and all but ensure the end to their four-game losing streak.

Yeah, right. What team have you been watching this season?

In a rare stroke of genius, Joe Gibbs, who first heard of Devin Hester after the Bears’ Only Good Player returned the opening kickoff for a touchdown, decides he will not put the ball in Hester’s hands again. But in an all too common stroke of whatthefucknius, Gibbs’ means of accomplishing this is by ordering Suisham to kick the ball out of bounds. A confused Suisham abides, and the Bears take over at their own 40, with time – thanks to Gibbs’ lunacy – for a final play.

Rex Grossman (5-for-18, 63 yards, 3 interceptions to this point) drops back and heaves a Hail Mary in the general vicinity of the end zone. The ball spirals downward, directly toward a giddy Fred Smoot, a man who couldn’t intercept a pass if it was trash-talking in front of him (See: Week 1, overtime). Sure enough, the ball whizzes past Smoot’s hands and lodges between the bars of his facemask, concussing Smoot at the 10-yard line in the process.

Desmond Clark, who eats Smoot’s weight with his afternoon tea, attempts to pry the ball loose as he swoops up and carries Smoot toward the goal line. It won’t budge.

Mushin Muhammad and Greg Olsen also try and fail, and as Clark carries Smoot across the goal line, Bernard Berrian arrives on the scene. Thanks to NFL Network’s Mic’d Up technology, viewers – well, those of you who actually get NFL Network -- are later able to hear the exchange that takes place next:

Desmond Clark: HA! Bitch, your lanky Inspector Gadget arms can’t pull that thing out! HA!
Mushin Muhammad: Yeah, you might pull a muscle – or three. Oh, did you vote for me for the Pro Bowl?
Greg Olsen: Dude, Bernard, our kicker at “The U” bench presses more than you!
Devin Hester, Only Good Player and the Voice of Reason: Fellas, just let the kid try.

Clark, Muhammad and Olsen do their best to stifle their laughter as Berrian places both hands on the ball. On cue, a light shines down from above, snow begins to fall, and church music – not fake crowd noise – blares from the FedEx Field speakers as Berrian removes the ball with ease.

Desmond Clark, while dropping Smoot to the turf like a rag doll: That’s some straight up Sword in the Stone shit!
Bernard Berrian: Call me King Arthur, bi—

Before Berrian can finish his thought, LaRon Landry pummels him out of the back of the end zone, jarring the ball loose. After conferring, the officials agree that they have a) Just witnessed a miracle and b) Berrian had two feet down with control of the ball.

Touchdown, Bears. Replay, of course, upheld the call.

New York Giants 48, Washington Redskins 42

Eli Manning throws for eight touchdowns, although five of them are to Redskins defenders. Still, the Giants are in position to clinch a wild-card berth as Campbell leads the Redskins down the field for a potential game-winning touchdown.

Facing 3rd-and-goal from the 9-yard line and out of timeouts with 8 seconds to play, Campbell drops back to pass. He throws complete to a wide-open Chris Cooley, stunning the Giants Stadium crowd. But wait. There’s a flag on the play. Chris Samuels is called for holding, resulting in a 10-second runoff. Even Gibbs knows that rule. Redskins lose.

Minnesota Vikings 35, Washington Redskins 31 (game ended with 1:21 remaining)

After letting a 17-0 halftime lead disappear by allowing the Vikings to score 35 points in the third quarter, the Redskins pull within five points with 2:12 remaining on Clinton Portis’ 3-yard run. Inexplicably, the Redskins decide not to go for two.

The decision figures to be a moot point after the Vikings fumble the ensuing kickoff and Rock Cartwright recovers at the 1-yard line. But after the Redskins break their huddle, guts spew from the entire starting offense like a game of Dominoes in Hell.

Officials stop the game, awarding the win to Minnesota by unprecedented forfeit.

In the postgame press conference, Gibbs, stoic as ever, says, “I thought our guys fought our guts out today.”

Truer words have never been spoken.

Dallas Cowboys 42, Washington Redskins 9

With the starting offense still healing its guts from the previous week’s debacle, Mark Brunell leads a contingent of second- and third-stringers into the season finale against a Dallas team that stands to gain or lose nothing, having already wrapped up home-field advantage throughout the playoffs.

In a fitting end to the season, Suisham cements his place as the team’s lone Pro Bowl representative with an NFL single-game record three field goals of at least 60 yards. Brad Johnson torches his former team for 460 yards and 6 touchdowns, and Wade Phillips defends his decision to keep throwing the ball by explaining that he wanted to get Johnson some work in the event that something happens to Cowboys’ starter Tony Romo during Dallas’ upcoming bye week. Like, say, if Carrie Underwood goes all psycho and decides to do more than dig her keys into the side of Romo’s pretty little souped-up four-wheel drive, for instance.

Yeah, that’s pretty much how the season will end. Basically.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007


On the next episode of Chips and Dip/Tuck...

Agent Zero has surgery on his left medial meniscus, a potentially devastating blow to the Wizards' hopes of making John Hollinger look like a fool. Upon waking up after the procedure, Gil vows to score 90 points against his left knee -- a little payback for sidelining him for up to three months. Take that, knee! When the surgeon informs Zero that it is physically impossible to challenge one's own knee to a game of one-on-one, Zero grins, looks him in the eyes and says, softly, "Impossible is nothing."

That all made infinitely more sense in my head than Gilbert's new ad campaign, which is to say, it still really made no sense at all. Alas, the Wizards Bandwagon rolled on without Arenas, as Caron Butler (39 points) picked up the slack in an overtime win at Charlotte. Six straight. Can this last without Nacho? We'll see. In the meantime, I've changed my fantasy hoops team name to Gilbert's Meniscus. We'll tear you apart.