Cowboys Suck > Ravens Suck

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Go San Diego!

Go Minnesota!

Go Redskins! Or don't, and put these far-fetched playoff aspirations to rest.

Playoffs?! Playoffs?!?!

It's disgusting that the Redskins still have a chance to make the playoffs, but I suppose it's nice that there's still something besides other teams' misfortune to cheer for. Or is it?

At this point, I don't really know how I would feel if the Redskins backed into the NFC's sixth playoff spot. I'm pretty sure I won't feel like I did after improbable late-season playoff pushes in 2005 and 2007. Those two teams caught fire at the right time and provided a reason to believe that maybe, just maybe, they could keep things rolling in January. This team provides a reason to do yard work on Sundays.

One of two things will happen if the Redskins, by some unimaginable stroke of luck, make the playoffs: They'll either win the Super Bowl or they'll lose badly to the Vikings in the first round. There is no middle ground. There is no medium, to borrow a term from the Zorn Star, with this team.

So what do you think? Do you want the Redskins to make the playoffs, or are they better off going 7-9 and getting a higher draft pick?

Happy Holidays From the Redskins!

Dear Redskins Fan,

Larry Michael here. Well, the bad news is that after Sunday's hard-fought loss in Cincinnati, we're more than likely going to miss the playoffs. The good news is that I have time to write this holiday card! Now, the season may not be ending exactly how we all had hoped, but take a minute and think back to training camp and the preseason. Ask yourself if you thought the Redskins would make the playoffs. Maybe you picked them to finish a respectable 8-8. Maybe you were a little more optimistic like myself and picked them to finish 10-6. The pundits and the so-called experts were picking the Redskins to finish fourth in the NFC East and I'm pretty sure the Sourcerer picked them to finish 0-16. Well, it turns out that some of those so-called experts might be right. Anyway, I don't remember what the point of this exercise was, but hail to the Redkins and be sure to visit the team store.

The point is, no matter how the Redskins finish this season, it shouldn't take away from what rookie head coach Jim Zorn and this team have managed to accomplish this year. So many people want to harp on the negatives -- the loss to St. Louis, the loss to Cincinnati, the entire offensive line -- but let's look at some of the positives from 2008. The Redskins were once 6-2. Not many teams could say that this year. The Redskins also did something that no other NFL team -- no other team! -- did this year when they won at Philadelphia and Dallas. Granted, there weren't many teams that played both Philly and Dallas on the road, but whatever, that was really impressive. And hey, we may not be playing in the Super Bowl, but we're going to be well represented in February's second most important game. It's going to be the Redskins against the AFC in this year's Pro Bowl. I sure hope you booked your tickets for Hawaii. I mean, when you think about it, only an idiot would choose to go to Tampa Bay over a trip to Honolulu. Now go vote Cedric Benson to the AFC roster; he played like a man on a mission on Sunday. Show me a defense in the NFL that can stop that guy and I'll show you one bit of criticism I've levied against the Redskins.

It's been a good season. We've watched the development of players like Chris Horton and, uh, well Chris Horton has been great. Let's give credit where credit is due. Hats off to Vinny Cerrato for finding that diamond in the rough. What a job Vinny continues to do year in and year out. We've had him on the show throughout the season -- just a class act and a great, great football mind. I can assure you that Vinny will be working feverishly in the offseason to make this team better for 2009. And really, the Redskins are probably only a couple of key pieces away from being something really, really special. I'd like to thank all the fans who tuned into Redskins Nation, especially those of you who took the time to write incredibly thought-provoking e-mails. And lastly, I'd like to thank Mr. Dan Snyder, without whom I'd be out of a job.

Happy Holidays, Redskins fans!

Sincerely,

Larry Michael

Baking is Therapeutic

Shortly after Shaun Suisham's onside kick attempt bounced out of bounds -- and the Redskins' meager playoff hopes along with it -- I whipped up some icing for the gingerbread cookies I made before the game and went to town. (It seemed like a better idea than downing the entire case of Miller Lite someone brought to our Halloween party and crushing the empties with my face.)

One hour -- or the approximate length of the Bengals' final scoring drive -- later, I had completely forgotten that I had just spent a good portion of my day watching the Redskins make Cedric Benson look like a pot-smoking Jim Brown.

Here are Clinton Portis and Jason Campbell. Why are they smiling, you ask? Because they're gingerbread cookies.



Here are Carlos Rogers and Shaun "Golden Foot" Suisham. Rogers, you will be happy to know, underwent successful hand amputation surgery. Why are his feet black? Because he got burned. Why is Suisham frowning? Because even gingerbread cookies frown after booting kickoffs out of bounds. If Suisham gets cut, Ryan Plackemeier would be happy to eat him. And for the record, Rogers' hands taste better than they catch.

What if...Chad Johnson had joined the Redskins?

Long before the Mark Teixeira chase began, this was the hot trade talk in Washington. The Redskins reportedly offered two first-round picks for Chad Johnson, but when the Bengals rejected the offer, Vinny Cerrato decided to address his team's receiving needs in the draft. It remains to be seen what sort of pros Devin Thomas, Malcolm Kelly, and Fred Davis will turn out to be, but their numbers combined haven't come close to matching Johnson's production in one of the worst statistical years of his career. So, would Chad Johnson in Burgundy and Gold be a good thing?

Yes, because:

• It would allow Randle El to become the third receiver -- or the designated leader of the hip, hip, hooray cheer.
  
• If Chad ever decides to change his name to Chad Lloyd or Chad McCants-- hey, crazier things have happened -- Skins fans could recycle their No. 85 jerseys.
• Those gold teeth: So hot right now.
  

No, because:

• Every week would be like a really bad soap opera -- with Larry Michael providing the narrative.
  
• We could really use that draft pick to take an injury-prone WR who isn't NFL-ready.
• Those gold teeth: A hot mess.
  

The Biggest Kick of Shaun Suisham's Life

Amazingly, Shaun Suisham is the leading vote getter among kickers for this year's Pro Bowl. Maybe this whole democracy business isn't so great after all. Hours after the news broke, General Motors announced the contestant in the halftime contest they're sponsoring where one lucky fan will attempt a 35-yard field goal for $10 bajillion: Shaun Suisham. Talk about giving new meaning to the term bailout!

Bamboo > Redskins D-Line

Watching the Redskins' defensive line fail to generate any sort of pass rush in Sunday night's deflating loss to the Ravens, I was reminded of one of the opening scenes in Garden State, when the Obnoxious Girl -- imdb.com's label, not mine -- snaps at Zach Braff's character in the restaurant.

Obnoxious Girl: I'll have a Ketel Cosmo, with Red Bull -- and some bread ASAP.
Andrew Largeman: Uh, we don't have bread.
Obnoxious Girl: What do you mean you don't have bread, how can you not have bread?
Andrew Largeman: We're a Vietnamese restaurant. We just don't have bread.
Obnoxious Girl: Well, you're not Vietnamese.
Andrew Largeman: No, I'm not.
Obnoxious Girl: Can I have something to chew on?! Fuck, bamboo! Whatever!
Andrew Largeman: I'll see what I can do.

Substitute Angry Redskins Fans for Obnoxious Girl, Vinny Cerrato for Andrew Largeman, and defensive linemen for bread, and you've basically summed up the state of the Redskins' front four. Here's the Redskins rank in sacks for the past eight years: 29th; T-16th; 32nd; 20th; 9th; 27th; T-9th; 29th; 8th; 14th. As Emmitt Smith would tell you, those are some pretty abmissile numbers.

Since drafting Kenard Lang with the 17th overall pick in the 1997 draft, the Redskins have drafted a total of six defensive linemen. Feast your eyes on this list of Hall of Famers: Delbert Cowsette, Mario Monds, Greg Scott, Kedric Golston, Anthony Montgomery, and Rob Jackson. Bra-freaking-vo. I'm willing to give credit where credit is due, and Montgomery has turned into a solid pro, but his value is more in his versatility than in his ability to get to the passer.

Last I checked, the Redskins were neither a Vietnamese restaurant nor a Vietnamese football team. They should have some bread. They should have some pass rushers. I blame Kenard Lang and Vinny Cerrato.

Make It Happen, Vinny

Vinny Cerrato, the brilliant evaluator of talent who was responsible for landing Devin Thomas, Malcolm Kelly, Fred Davis, and Durant Brooks in last season's draft -- yes, I know the Redskins also drafted Chris Horton, but even a blind squirrel finds a nut -- should do everything in his power to ensure that the Redskins draft a stud defensive end next year. Shit, trade the entire 2008 class -- the players who haven't already been cut, anyway -- for Jared Allen or DeMarcus Ware. I'm tired of watching opposing quarterbacks sit back in the pocket as if they're playing in a flag football league that employs a five-second count before the defense can rush the quarterback. The Redskins' defensive and offensive lines were abysmal against the Ravens. That is all.

List of defensive ends who could start tomorrow for the Redskins courtesy of draftcountdown.com.

The 3 Worst Redskins Kickers Ever

The Redskins have employed 16 kickers since legend Chip Lohmiller (above) was cut after the 1995 season. During that time, the likes of Chris Jacke, James Tuthill, Jose Cortez, Brett Conway, Ola Kimrin, Scott Bentley, Jeff Chandler, Nick Novak, and Shaun Suisham have all worn the single digits and soccer shoes for the Skins. And those were just the slightly above suckage kickers of the bunch! Here are the three worst of the worst, all of whom, incidentally, kicked for Washington during the 2000 season:

Michael Husted: The Redskins signed Michael Husted early in the 2000 season to replace the steady Conway, who was later placed on injured reserve. Husted proceeded to miss four of his first eight field goal attempts along with an extra point. Four weeks later, Husted was cut. He went on to attempt one more field goal in his NFL career, with the Kansas City Chiefs two years later. He made it. That's a good story for the grandchildren.

Kris Heppner: The former Montana star was signed to replace Husted and was serviceable through his first three games with Washington. In his fourth game, though, Heppner missed a 33-yard field goal in a painful 16-15 loss to the Cardinals. "It's a $100 million team here," Heppner said afterward. "They demand winning. I completely understand that. Especially when you lose a game to the Cardinals." Wow. That's the type of thing a player would say about today's Detroit Lions. Vinny Cerrato, who was only director of player personnel at the time, weighed in on Heppner's release. "He was in position to put us ahead . . . and he didn't do his job. We owe it to the rest of the guys to upgrade also." Upgrade with whom? Eddie Murray? Sounds like a good idea to me!

Eddie Murray: Eddie Murray's career -- all 19 years of it -- stacks up as one of the best in NFL history among kickers, but his two seasons in Washington (1995 and 2000) didn't exactly inspire chants of Ed-die! Ed-die! at RFK and FedEx Field. Murray came out retirement to replace Heppner for his second stint with the Skins, and in hindsight, it was a terrible decision. Murray missed two field goals, including a 49-yarder with less than a minute to play in a season-crushing 9-7 loss to the New York Giants. "I gave it my best shot," Murray said after the loss, which dropped the Redskins to 7-6 after a 6-2 start. "I thought I had hit it well enough. What's my future here? I guess we'll wait and see what tomorrow brings." Tomorrow brought the firing of head coach Norv Turner. Way to go, Eddie.

Danny Smith Is a Genius

Redskins special teams coach Danny Smith has taken a lot of heat for his unit's struggles this season. First, rookie punter Durant Brooks was cut, only to be replaced by a man who has downed more double-cheeseburgers since joining the Redskins than punts inside the 20. Then, kicker Shaun Suisham forgot how to make field goals, which would be fine if it wasn't, you know, his main job. And Antwaan Randle El still leads all punt returners in LABYAC. That's "lateral and backwards yards after catch" for the uninitiated. Get your mind out of the gutter.

Rather than sit idly by and watch the Redskins continue to give new meaning to the term "special teams," Danny Smith is attempting to light a fire under his players' asses before Sunday night's game against the Ravens. Behold his weekly PowerPoint presentation:

Off With His Hands!

I don't know how Carlos Rogers spent his bye week, but he would've been well served spending at least a few minutes browsing this site if he didn't drop his laptop first. Yes, 'Los has emerged as the Redskins' best corner this season. Yes, he's been solid in coverage and he's laid the wood to a few dudes. And yes, he's played remarkably well one year removed from serious knee surgery. But good gosh almighty, the guy can't catch a ball to save his freaking life! I suppose that's why he's not a wide receiver -- or a fireman. Can you imagine the horror of being trapped on the fifth floor of a burning building and looking out the window to find Carlos Rogers at the end of a ladder one floor below screaming "jump"?

The solution to Rogers' problem? Amputate his hands. If it sounds ridiculous, that's because it is. Ridiculously brilliant. If Rogers can't catch with hands, then removing them is no big loss, right? Rogers' hands are kind of like the human tailbone, evolutionary remnants that serve no real purpose. Without hands, Rogers would never be called for holding and he'd be forced to improve his technique. Win-win. People would also no longer curse Rogers when he dropped an interception because, well, that would just be wrong. I mean, the guy wouldn't have any hands.

Predicting Tonight's Boomerisms

By now you've heard that Chris Berman will interview Barack Obama and John McCain during tonight's Redskins-Steelers game. How might Boomer refer to the presidential hopefuls, I wonder...

Barack "Cartwright" Obama

Barack "Chalk, Jayhawk" Obama

Barack "And Roll" Obama

Barack "Collection" Obama

Barack "Save Your Drama For Your" Obama

Barack "Oh! Oh! Oh!" Obama

Barack "You Like a Hurricane" Obama

John "Edwin" McCain

"Ral" John McCain

John "Riggins "McCain"

John "Night Train" McCain

John McCain "And Abel"

John "Bring the Pain" McCain

John Mc "Lane Kiffin"

Please feel free to leave your own superior suggestions in the comments.

Metro Opens Doors; Doors Open for Jim Zorn

So, what stop should I get off at to go to the Spy Museum? Belichick told me it's awesome.

Jim Zorn was in the house on Halloween to get his drink on, mingle with admirers, and talk strategy with the Metro. Zorn threw a challenge flag during beer pong, but there was inconclusive evidence to overturn the call that his elbow was over the line when he released the ball. He also carried around a game plan for Monday's showdown with Shitsburgh -- Zorn's nickname, not mine -- which was only 699 pages shorter than Al Saunders' playbook:

1. Defense! Defense! Defense!
2. Give the ball to Portis
3. Coooooley
4. Go deep with Moss and Randle El
5. NO TURNOVERS!!!

The man keeps it simple, much like Coach Janky Spanky.

I'd normally hesitate to reveal the Skins' plans for the Steelers, but they're hardly a secret. After all, Ben Roethlisberger was in the house too, trying hard to avert his eyes from the cheerleader stretching in the bathroom line.

Hip, hip...

Around 2, the Zornstar headed to the Metro, demanding that I post photos from the night on Facebook. He promised a win Monday in return. With a game plan like Zorn's, the Redskins can't lose.

You think they'll hold that train for me?

To Be a Lions Fan

As you probably heard, Sunday's Lions-Redskins broadcast was blacked out in the Detroit metropolitan area because the game wasn't sold out. It was a blessing in disguise, really. Why watch Dan Orlovsky attempt to navigate the mysterious boundaries of a football field when you can watch the apparent sequel to Brokeback Mountain? Check out the synopsis of Alias Smith and Jones:

A good-natured buddy Western about two charismatic outlaws who are trying to stay straight for one year so they can earn a pardon from the governor for their past misdeeds.

It'll probably take more than a year for the Lions to earn a pardon from their frustrated fans.

The NFC East Meets "The Office"

What do you get when you combine the best show on television with the best division in football? Far-fetched comparisons, for one. The Mottram Bros. have already identified the tremendous likeness between Redskins owner Dan Snyder and Dunder Mifflin boss Michael Scott, but what about the NFC East's four coaches? Who are their kindred spirits in Scranton?

In order of their current standing in the division:


If things don't work out with Andy, Angela could always cozy up -- or whatever hard-asses do together -- with the Giants' Tom Coughlin. I'm sure she could plan one hell of a Super Bowl party, with red streamers, not green, because green is whorish. Obviously.

They're both goofy. They both have adoring fans. They once shared the same hairstyle. And if you don't think Jim Zorn could score with Pam Beesly, well, you're sorely mistaken. Hail to the Redskins, indeed.

Besides kind of looking alike, Wade Phillips and Creed share the same dry sense of humor and propensity for dropping one-liners. Phillips, on the welcome he received from fans during his first practice with the Cowboys: "That's the last time I'll get a standing ovation, I'll tell you that." Creed, who is slightly more creepy than Phillips: "Oh, I steal things all the time. It's just something I do. I stopped caring long ago."

Take this to the bank: Andy Reid and Kevin can both fit more M&M's in their mouths than you.

Those Tricky Redskins

ARE the QB > ARE the WR > ARE the PR

When Antwaan Randle El connected with Chris Cooley for a touchdown pass in last Sunday's win at Philadelphia, it marked the eighth consecutive season that a non-quarterback has thrown a touchdown pass for the Redskins. Randle El, who starred as a dual-threat QB during his college career at Indiana, has thrown two touchdowns with Washington, while Clinton Portis leads all current Redskins non-QBs in career touchdown passes with three.

For comparison's sake, I looked at the non-QB passing statistics for the entire NFC East going back to the 2000 season, the last year a non-QB failed to throw a TD pass for the Redskins. The numbers, which include the first five weeks of 2008, may surprise you:

Redskins	Eagles	Cowboys	Giants
14-for-25, 9 TD	5-for-17, 3 TD	5-for-13, TD	0-for-3

Given Steve Spurrier's penchant for trickery, I fully expected the Redskins to lead the division in most attempts by a non-QB, but I had no idea that their unconventional playcalls had produced such positive results. The Cowboys and Giants' numbers are somewhat skewed, as Ryan Leaf and Jared Lorenzen both technically qualify as quarterbacks and their stats are not included. Two of the Giants' paltry three attempts were by punter Jeff Feagles, so Tom Coughlin is apparently a conservative play-caller. Who knew? One of the Eagles' three TD passes was by Brian Mitchell, who was 5-for-13 passing during his Redskins career, on a fake punt.

With two touchdown passes apiece, Rod Gardner and Kevin Lockett accounted for the other four Redskins passing touchdowns by non-QBs since 2000. Gardner threw two TDs in 2003, including one to Trung Canidate to beat Seattle in one of the few feel-good moments of the Spurrier Era. Surprisingly, that play only qualifies as the second most unlikely scoring combination in recent Redskins history. Lockett, who retired with 1/4 as many TD passess as TD receptions, and Derrius Thompson earned that distinction when they hooked up for a 14-yard score in 2001.

If you're scoring at home, ARE has a career 154.8 QB rating; Clinton Portis' is only 130.8. It's time to step up your game, CP.

A Modern History of Hip Hip Hooray!

What exactly does Heath Shuler have to do with Hip Hip Hooray? Not much.

Thanks to their zany, by-golly leader Jim Zorn, Hip Hip Hooray is fast becoming the rallying cry of this year's Redskins (get your t-shirts here!). The cheer, which some claim has ancient origins, hadn't been used much in NFL circles since George Allen coached the Redskins until Zorn unearthed it in the Texas Stadium visitors locker room two weeks ago.



That's not to say that Hip, Hip, Hooray wasn't invoked at all in the last 20 years...

December 17, 2003:

Toronto Globe and Mail sports columnist Allan Maki lamented the increasingly over-the-top nature of NFL endzone celebrations the week that Joe Horn infamously caught a touchdown pass and retrieved a cellphone from underneath the goalpost pad as part of a choreographed act.

He conlcuded: "So remember: players who score touchdowns can grab their teammates, be hugged by fans and shout a mighty, "Hip hip hooray!" They cannot, on any occasion, grab a lower body part and gyrate, make throat-slashing gestures or pick up a cellphone to make a call -- unless it's to find a job in another line of work."

A man after Zorn's own goofy heart, it turns out that Maki was five years ahead of -- and 30 years behind? -- his time. I think even Maki might have excused Zorn had he grabbed his crotch in Philadelphia on Sunday after Clinton Portis converted that crucial fourth down.

July 26, 1994:

After signing the richest rookie contract in NFL history to end a 12-day holdout, Marshall Faulk was quoted in USA Today: "I didn't have time to celebrate -- no champagne, no hip, hip, hoorays." Even as a rookie, Marshall Faulk apparently knew how to party. Perhaps the Redskins should keep a few bottles of Krug and Dom Perignon on ice for the postgame celebration this Sunday.

Incidentally, the same brief included the following update: "Also, the Washington Redskins and quarterback Heath Shuler, the No. 3 pick, are closer to a deal, says agent Tom Condon."

Hip, hip, -- uh, nevermind.

December 16, 1988:

A young Michael Wilbon wrote a column in the Washington Post about Cincinnati Bengals head coach Sam Wyche's memories of his former coach and original hipster George Allen.

"George used to come in after a win and would say he wanted to hear three cheers for the Redskins. And he'd yell, `Hip, hip, hooray. Hip, hip, hooray. Hip, hip, hooray.' And he'd jump up in the air and get himself all fired up."

"Well, we [the Bengals] went to Philadelphia the second game of [this] season. They had just beaten Tampa Bay and everybody was talking about the Eagles for the Super Bowl. It was a pretty big game at that time, and we won it, on the road. We came into the locker room afterward and I had a flashback.

"I hollered, `Hip, hip, hooray,' and the room was quiet. It was a little bit louder on the second time. And on the third one, everybody was saying, `Naw, we're not doing this.' In the early '70s, under George, it was fun. Every now and then, I hear one of our guys behind me going, `Hip, hip!' "

Naw, we're not doing this? That's hardly the spirit, though it should hardly come as a surprise. The fact that the Redskins didn't have a similar reaction 20 years later is either indicative of Zorn's serious gift for endearing himself to his players or the fact that this is one ridiculously kooky team. It's probably a combination of the two. Oh, and I'm sure it had nothing to do with the hip, hip, hooraying (albeit half-assed), but the Bengals finished 12-4 that season and lost to Joe Montana and the 49ers in the Super Bowl. Just sayin'.

November 24, 1988:

During the 1988 football season, the Washington Post ran a guest prognosticator column each week. This particular week, author and playwright Larry L. King broke out the ol' triple-H before making one of his picks.

"Monday night might be a good opportunity to catch up on lost sleep, the 6-6 Seattle Seahawks hosting the 6-6 Los Angeles Raiders, even though the lead in the AFC West is at stake. Hip-hip-hooray and all that, but somehow here in Washington that isn't of equal importance with the national deficit or even whom President-elect Bush may name as third assistant undersecretary of nuts and bolts. I'm tempted to call the Monday night game a 6-6 overtime tie, but here's a weak vote for the Raiders-getting three-to cover. The Raiders have won four of six on the road outright, the Seahawks don't scare anybody, and likely the Raiders have more grit. So take the Raiders and the points, but don't risk large sums."

For the record, Dave Krieg would outduel Steve Beuerlein in a thrilling 35-27 Seahawks win. It's unknown whether head coach Chuck Knox led the team in a locker room cheer afterward.

Strike Up the Bandwagon

In Week 5 of the 1991 season, the Redskins shut out the Eagles 23-0 at RFK Stadium. It was Washington's fifth straight win to open the season and third shutout at home. Tony Kornheiser, whose Bandwagon was gaining steam, wrote: "The Redskins lead the O's in home shutouts, 3-2. They could be playing in Group F."

Flash forward to yesterday.

In Week 5 of the 2008 season, the Redskins defeated the Eagles 23-17 at Lincoln Financial Field. It was Washington's fourth straight win after opening the season with a humiliating loss against the New York Giants and the Skins' second straight win against an NFC East rival on the road. Mike Wise, who is more than bald enough to succeed TK as Bandwagon chauffeur, wrote: "Did we mention the Redskins, barring a major injury, are going back to the playoffs? They are, and I don't want to hear anything to the contrary after this surreal 4-1 start."

Changing of the Spoon

Dub-Y-O!

I lived in Casper, Wyoming for nearly two years, so the latest Easterns Motors commercial takes on some added significance for me. For my first and only Halloween in the Cowboy State, I went as Cap'n Comin' Backatcha, a character inspired by Clinton Portis' Sheriff Gonna Getcha and Reverend Gonna Change. The costume featured a life preserver inscribed with "S.S. Playoffs", a Heath Shuler jersey, a black velvet jacket, cowboy boots, a stick-on goatee and some dollar-store stunna shades. Unimpressed, the Redskins would finish the season 5-11.



For the record, I never encountered a liger in Wyoming, though it's possible they were hiding in one of the state's four trees. I did see a a lot of pronghorns and one night I bumped into Casper native Mike Devereaux in a bar.

There's more on the new Easterns spots at the D.C. Sports Bog.