Consolation Prize

So the Nationals lost out on Mark Teixeira, but they got the next best thing: Corey Patterson! The Nationals signed the can't miss prospect-turned-journeyman who can't stay healthy to a minor league deal. Pop that champagne. Grab a stale Noah's pretzel. Patterson is a poor man's Mark Teixeira -- about $179 million poorer, actually. He hit .205, got on base at a .238 clip, and walked 16 times in over 350 at bats in Cincinnati last season. In other words, Jim Bowden signed an older Emilio Bonifacio. With Patterson guaranteed to come off the bench given the Nationals' already crowded outfield situation, Washington can boast the best pinch runner in the game. Outstanding. I just hope Santa's elves can sew me a Patterson jersey in time for Christmas.

Oh, and Teixeira, may you rot in pinstripes and be booed mercilessly when the fans realize that you're no Derek Jeter.

Better Santa

The Nationals have made an offer to Mark Teixeira: 8 years, $160 million. Will it be enough? Probably not. Have more unbelievable things happened? Uh, yes. So please, Santa, forgive Jim Bowden and the Lerners for being naughty this year, leave Willy Taveras at the North Pole, and deliver Big Teix to DC. Otherwise, a huge flat screen TV would be nice; I'd like to watch the Nationals' anemic offense suck again in style.

If You Don't Get It, You Don't Get I

What's wrong with this picture? Well, besides the fact that the outfield seats are virtually empty for the second game ever at Nationals Park.



Still not sure? Here's a closer view.


Forget fixing the radar gun. Someone tell me how it is that the paper that wins a record six Pulitzers can't even get its full name in lights.

Should I assume that this is the Nationals' half-hearted attempt at making its stadium eco-friendly, saving the valuable energy that would otherwise be required to light up one more letter?

Is Dmitri Young manually powering the scoreboard by pedaling furiously on an exercise bike hooked up to a generator in the home clubhouse during the game?

Or is the 'n' purposely unlit, perhaps alerting fans that they are watching a 'night' game, in a nod to the creativity on display at Camden Yards. There, either the 'H' or the 'E' in the sign that reads "THE SUN" atop the scoreboard flashes to clear up any confusion as to whether a play will be scored a hit or an error.

Seriously, by June, this could read, "he Wang pot." But will any fans be there to see it?

5 Questions About the Nats

The Washington Nationals' pitchers and catchers reported to Viera on Friday and the rest of the team should arrive at rehab prison Spring Training today. As Manny Acta's squad begins its quest to improve upon last season's surprisingly mediocre record, questions abound: Who will start at shortstop and second base? What will the rotation look like? Will Nick Johnson or Dmitri Young be traded?

The WaPo has touched on all of those questions in some detail recently. But the Nationals' success or lack thereof this season could hinge on the answers to the following, more burning questions:

1. Will Teddy finally win the Presidents Race?

Ricky Bobby’s dad said, “If you ain’t first, you’re last.” If he wasn’t so hardened by his Rough Rider, Teddy might have a hard time coming to grips psychologically with his laughable ineptitude in the Presidents Race. Could this be the year he gets into the win column? Could this be the year the Redskins implement the Racing Portises – Racing Coaching Candidates – during TV timeouts? A man can dream.

Prediction: Mr. Run Slowly and Carry a Big Stick charges out to a huge lead on Opening Night before a guy in a huge John Wilkes Booth costume misses his intended target, Abe, and drills Teddy with a t-shirt gun.

2. Which National will appear in the police blotter first?

Bret Boone looks primed for a bar fight, Viera style. Anyone who heckles Lastings Milledge about his rap album could be asking for trouble. And would you really be all that surprised to hear that Elijah Dukes punched a fan in the face while waiting in line at Panera after said fan asked Dukes for a personalized text message instead of an autograph? Well, you shouldn’t be.

Prediction: As much as I want to believe – and sincerely hope – that the kid has turned his life around, I have to go with Dukes, dawg. I was somewhat tempted to nominate Ryan Zimmerman, if only to top the absurdity of Nook Logan being named in the Mitchell Report.

3. How many innings will John Patterson pitch this season?

The flowing locks are gone. The hop is back. Will his fragile body hold up? And what’s that panda’s name again?

Prediction: 100. After pitching a combined 71 innings over the last two seasons, I think this is generous. I also think the club would be thrilled to have JP healthy enough to make 15-20 starts. I’ll pay $1 to land him on my NL-only fantasy baseball team for a third consecutive season.

4. How early will you have to arrive at Nationals Park to be one of the first 15,000 lucky souls to receive a Dmitri Young bobblehead on May 1?

Screech, Teddy, and Dmitri will make for an incredible Bobblebelly trio for your mantle or dashboard.

Prediction: I’m typing this from a tent along the Southeast-Southwest freeway.

5. Who will be the Nationals’ biggest surprise?

Written off by most, Dmitri Young came out of nowhere last year to post terrific numbers that earned him Comeback Player of the Year honors. Will another Nat step up to the plate to keep that award in Washington?

Prediction: Dukes. If he can control his temper and keeps certain people out of his Fav Five calling plan, I'll bet he forces his way into significant playing time. Think 18-55-.285. Yeah, I'm drinking the Kool-Aid.