Pimp My Bandwagon

Are You Kidding Me?

2008-12-24T07:14:00.000-08:00

What a game! It was especially fun to read this morning's recap of the Capitals' comeback in the New York Post; the beat writer essentially arguest that the Rangers aren't who we thought they were. Can you imagine how depressing the sports scene would be in DC without the Caps?

Wizards Lose -- To the Bocats

2008-12-24T07:01:00.001-08:00

How bad are the Wizards? Last night they lost to a team made up of players who are half Bo Jackson, half cat. How do you lose to a team with whiskers and no hips? You start a lineup that features Andray Blatche and Mike James, and proceed to shoot 32 percent, that's how.

Consolation Prize

2008-12-23T15:37:00.000-08:00

So the Nationals lost out on Mark Teixeira, but they got the next best thing: Corey Patterson! The Nationals signed the can't miss prospect-turned-journeyman who can't stay healthy to a minor league deal. Pop that champagne. Grab a stale Noah's pretzel. Patterson is a poor man's Mark Teixeira -- about $179 million poorer, actually. He hit .205, got on base at a .238 clip, and walked 16 times in over 350 at bats in Cincinnati last season. In other words, Jim Bowden signed an older Emilio Bonifacio. With Patterson guaranteed to come off the bench given the Nationals' already crowded outfield situation, Washington can boast the best pinch runner in the game. Outstanding. I just hope Santa's elves can sew me a Patterson jersey in time for Christmas.

Oh, and Teixeira, may you rot in pinstripes and be booed mercilessly when the fans realize that you're no Derek Jeter.

Cowboys Suck > Ravens Suck

2008-12-20T22:14:00.000-08:00

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Go San Diego!

Go Minnesota!

Go Redskins! Or don't, and put these far-fetched playoff aspirations to rest.

The Wizards Win...(a simulation of) the NBA Draft Lottery!!!!!

2008-12-19T23:43:00.000-08:00

The Wizards could really use the first four picks in next year's draft. What are the chances of that happening? Maybe .02, .01 percent?

Simeon Varlamov

2008-12-18T23:50:00.000-08:00

There was a woman at the Caps game last night sporting a No. 40 Varlamov jersey, which was either really, really cool, or really, really questionable. Can something be really questionable? I don't know. I do know that it's still too early to proclaim Varlamov the Capitals' Next (First?) Great Goalie -- I'm still fighting the tendency to call him Varmalov -- but he did look pretty solid in making 29 saves against the Blues. Let's just hope that Varlamov has more sustained success in Washington than Jim Carey (above) and, 10 years from now, the woman in the No. 40 Capitals jersey is considered a trend-setter and not an unsuspecting model on straightcashhomey.net.

Mike "Wild Thing" Green?

2008-12-17T19:40:00.000-08:00

During the Capitals' thrilling 5-4 overtime win over the New York Islanders on Tuesday, the color commentator remarked that Mike Green's skating style reminds him of Al Iafrate. That's pretty solid company for Greenie.

In 1992, Iafrate became the first player to officially break the 100-mph shot barrier, when he did so in front of a Capital Centre crowd of 9,000 at Washington's Superskills competition. The event was one of 24 team-sponsored skills competitions throughout the league, with the top four qualifiers in each conference earning a spot in the skills competition at the All-Star Game. Iafrate, who attributed his success to "clean living," had the hardest qualifying shot among Wales Conference players that season; his 101.4 mph rocket beat out the likes of Uwe Krupp and Zarley Zalapski.

Amazingly, Iafrate's time in the fastest skater competition ranked second in the Wales Conference behind Mike Gartner and .06 seconds ahead of fellow All-Star qualifier and teammate Peter Bondra.

Iafrate didn't disappoint at the All-Star Game, blasting a shot that was measured at 105.2 mph. The video above is from the following season, when Iafrate retained his title with a shot that only registered at 102 mph.

Playoffs?! Playoffs?!?!

2008-12-16T17:50:00.000-08:00

It's disgusting that the Redskins still have a chance to make the playoffs, but I suppose it's nice that there's still something besides other teams' misfortune to cheer for. Or is it?

At this point, I don't really know how I would feel if the Redskins backed into the NFC's sixth playoff spot. I'm pretty sure I won't feel like I did after improbable late-season playoff pushes in 2005 and 2007. Those two teams caught fire at the right time and provided a reason to believe that maybe, just maybe, they could keep things rolling in January. This team provides a reason to do yard work on Sundays.

One of two things will happen if the Redskins, by some unimaginable stroke of luck, make the playoffs: They'll either win the Super Bowl or they'll lose badly to the Vikings in the first round. There is no middle ground. There is no medium, to borrow a term from the Zorn Star, with this team.

So what do you think? Do you want the Redskins to make the playoffs, or are they better off going 7-9 and getting a higher draft pick?

Happy Holidays From the Redskins!

2008-12-15T16:23:00.000-08:00

Dear Redskins Fan,

Larry Michael here. Well, the bad news is that after Sunday's hard-fought loss in Cincinnati, we're more than likely going to miss the playoffs. The good news is that I have time to write this holiday card! Now, the season may not be ending exactly how we all had hoped, but take a minute and think back to training camp and the preseason. Ask yourself if you thought the Redskins would make the playoffs. Maybe you picked them to finish a respectable 8-8. Maybe you were a little more optimistic like myself and picked them to finish 10-6. The pundits and the so-called experts were picking the Redskins to finish fourth in the NFC East and I'm pretty sure the Sourcerer picked them to finish 0-16. Well, it turns out that some of those so-called experts might be right. Anyway, I don't remember what the point of this exercise was, but hail to the Redkins and be sure to visit the team store.

The point is, no matter how the Redskins finish this season, it shouldn't take away from what rookie head coach Jim Zorn and this team have managed to accomplish this year. So many people want to harp on the negatives -- the loss to St. Louis, the loss to Cincinnati, the entire offensive line -- but let's look at some of the positives from 2008. The Redskins were once 6-2. Not many teams could say that this year. The Redskins also did something that no other NFL team -- no other team! -- did this year when they won at Philadelphia and Dallas. Granted, there weren't many teams that played both Philly and Dallas on the road, but whatever, that was really impressive. And hey, we may not be playing in the Super Bowl, but we're going to be well represented in February's second most important game. It's going to be the Redskins against the AFC in this year's Pro Bowl. I sure hope you booked your tickets for Hawaii. I mean, when you think about it, only an idiot would choose to go to Tampa Bay over a trip to Honolulu. Now go vote Cedric Benson to the AFC roster; he played like a man on a mission on Sunday. Show me a defense in the NFL that can stop that guy and I'll show you one bit of criticism I've levied against the Redskins.

It's been a good season. We've watched the development of players like Chris Horton and, uh, well Chris Horton has been great. Let's give credit where credit is due. Hats off to Vinny Cerrato for finding that diamond in the rough. What a job Vinny continues to do year in and year out. We've had him on the show throughout the season -- just a class act and a great, great football mind. I can assure you that Vinny will be working feverishly in the offseason to make this team better for 2009. And really, the Redskins are probably only a couple of key pieces away from being something really, really special. I'd like to thank all the fans who tuned into Redskins Nation, especially those of you who took the time to write incredibly thought-provoking e-mails. And lastly, I'd like to thank Mr. Dan Snyder, without whom I'd be out of a job.

Happy Holidays, Redskins fans!

Sincerely,

Larry Michael

Baking is Therapeutic

2008-12-14T17:14:00.001-08:00

Shortly after Shaun Suisham's onside kick attempt bounced out of bounds -- and the Redskins' meager playoff hopes along with it -- I whipped up some icing for the gingerbread cookies I made before the game and went to town. (It seemed like a better idea than downing the entire case of Miller Lite someone brought to our Halloween party and crushing the empties with my face.)

One hour -- or the approximate length of the Bengals' final scoring drive -- later, I had completely forgotten that I had just spent a good portion of my day watching the Redskins make Cedric Benson look like a pot-smoking Jim Brown.

Here are Clinton Portis and Jason Campbell. Why are they smiling, you ask? Because they're gingerbread cookies.

Here are Carlos Rogers and Shaun "Golden Foot" Suisham. Rogers, you will be happy to know, underwent successful hand amputation surgery. Why are his feet black? Because he got burned. Why is Suisham frowning? Because even gingerbread cookies frown after booting kickoffs out of bounds. If Suisham gets cut, Ryan Plackemeier would be happy to eat him. And for the record, Rogers' hands taste better than they catch.

What if...Chad Johnson had joined the Redskins?

2008-12-13T20:51:00.000-08:00

Long before the Mark Teixeira chase began, this was the hot trade talk in Washington. The Redskins reportedly offered two first-round picks for Chad Johnson, but when the Bengals rejected the offer, Vinny Cerrato decided to address his team's receiving needs in the draft. It remains to be seen what sort of pros Devin Thomas, Malcolm Kelly, and Fred Davis will turn out to be, but their numbers combined haven't come close to matching Johnson's production in one of the worst statistical years of his career. So, would Chad Johnson in Burgundy and Gold be a good thing?

Yes, because:

It would allow Randle El to become the third receiver -- or the designated leader of the hip, hip, hooray cheer.
If Chad ever decides to change his name to Chad Lloyd or Chad McCants-- hey, crazier things have happened -- Skins fans could recycle their No. 85 jerseys.
Those gold teeth: So hot right now.

No, because:

Every week would be like a really bad soap opera -- with Larry Michael providing the narrative.
We could really use that draft pick to take an injury-prone WR who isn't NFL-ready.
Those gold teeth: A hot mess.

Do the Heisman...

2008-12-12T19:54:00.000-08:00

The Biggest Kick of Shaun Suisham's Life

2008-12-11T20:34:00.000-08:00

Amazingly, Shaun Suisham is the leading vote getter among kickers for this year's Pro Bowl. Maybe this whole democracy business isn't so great after all. Hours after the news broke, General Motors announced the contestant in the halftime contest they're sponsoring where one lucky fan will attempt a 35-yard field goal for $10 bajillion: Shaun Suisham. Talk about giving new meaning to the term bailout!

Better Santa

2008-12-10T20:35:00.000-08:00

The Nationals have made an offer to Mark Teixeira: 8 years, $160 million. Will it be enough? Probably not. Have more unbelievable things happened? Uh, yes. So please, Santa, forgive Jim Bowden and the Lerners for being naughty this year, leave Willy Taveras at the North Pole, and deliver Big Teix to DC. Otherwise, a huge flat screen TV would be nice; I'd like to watch the Nationals' anemic offense suck again in style.

Clinton Portis, Cheerleader

2008-12-09T20:31:00.000-08:00

This is getting ridiculous. Just when you thought things couldn't get any worse -- at least until a loss at Cincinnati on Sunday -- Clinton Portis has some harsh words for Jim Zorn. Look, I love CP, but if he's going to ruffle his pockets, sarcastically refer to his head coach as a genius, and suggest that he should pick up some pom-poms and join the cheerleader squad, he should at least do it in costume! Portis needs to channel Reverend Gonna Change, practice his ass off this week, and run for 200 yards against the Bengals, so that we're looking back at this episode in early January and marveling at the internal strife that this team managed to overcome en route to the playoffs.

Bamboo > Redskins D-Line

2008-12-08T18:31:00.000-08:00

Watching the Redskins' defensive line fail to generate any sort of pass rush in Sunday night's deflating loss to the Ravens, I was reminded of one of the opening scenes in Garden State, when the Obnoxious Girl -- imdb.com's label, not mine -- snaps at Zach Braff's character in the restaurant.

Obnoxious Girl: I'll have a Ketel Cosmo, with Red Bull -- and some bread ASAP.
Andrew Largeman: Uh, we don't have bread.
Obnoxious Girl: What do you mean you don't have bread, how can you not have bread?
Andrew Largeman: We're a Vietnamese restaurant. We just don't have bread.
Obnoxious Girl: Well, you're not Vietnamese.
Andrew Largeman: No, I'm not.
Obnoxious Girl: Can I have something to chew on?! Fuck, bamboo! Whatever!
Andrew Largeman: I'll see what I can do.

Substitute Angry Redskins Fans for Obnoxious Girl, Vinny Cerrato for Andrew Largeman, and defensive linemen for bread, and you've basically summed up the state of the Redskins' front four. Here's the Redskins rank in sacks for the past eight years: 29th; T-16th; 32nd; 20th; 9th; 27th; T-9th; 29th; 8th; 14th. As Emmitt Smith would tell you, those are some pretty abmissile numbers.

Since drafting Kenard Lang with the 17th overall pick in the 1997 draft, the Redskins have drafted a total of six defensive linemen. Feast your eyes on this list of Hall of Famers: Delbert Cowsette, Mario Monds, Greg Scott, Kedric Golston, Anthony Montgomery, and Rob Jackson. Bra-freaking-vo. I'm willing to give credit where credit is due, and Montgomery has turned into a solid pro, but his value is more in his versatility than in his ability to get to the passer.

Last I checked, the Redskins were neither a Vietnamese restaurant nor a Vietnamese football team. They should have some bread. They should have some pass rushers. I blame Kenard Lang and Vinny Cerrato.

Make It Happen, Vinny

2008-12-07T20:54:00.000-08:00

Vinny Cerrato, the brilliant evaluator of talent who was responsible for landing Devin Thomas, Malcolm Kelly, Fred Davis, and Durant Brooks in last season's draft -- yes, I know the Redskins also drafted Chris Horton, but even a blind squirrel finds a nut -- should do everything in his power to ensure that the Redskins draft a stud defensive end next year. Shit, trade the entire 2008 class -- the players who haven't already been cut, anyway -- for Jared Allen or DeMarcus Ware. I'm tired of watching opposing quarterbacks sit back in the pocket as if they're playing in a flag football league that employs a five-second count before the defense can rush the quarterback. The Redskins' defensive and offensive lines were abysmal against the Ravens. That is all.

List of defensive ends who could start tomorrow for the Redskins courtesy of draftcountdown.com.

Great Ideas: Wizards Throwback Jersey Night

2008-12-06T18:06:00.000-08:00

If the goal of Friday night's promotion at Verizon Center was to get fans to wonder aloud, "Who were the Zephyrs?" and , more to the point, "What is a zephyr?", well then, bravo. Mission accomplished. But if the goal was to get fans to forget about the Wizards' putrid start to the season, then dressing their under-performing players in the jersey of an obscure team from Chicago that went 25-55 in its one season before moving to Baltimore and becoming the Bullets was a really lame idea.

If the promotions department wants to celebrate the glory years of the franchise by rocking the throwback theme later this season, here's a suggestion: Wear 2005-2007 Washington Wizards jerseys. It would take fans back to the happier times when Larry Hughes and Roger Mason lit up opposing teams, Juan Dixon wore No. 3, Gilbert Arenas occasionally played, and Peter John Ramos still had promise. Maybe Kwame Brown could sing the national anthem.

Oh, and if you care, a zephyr is a gentle breeze. How fitting.

Well That's Depressing

2008-12-05T20:35:00.000-08:00

ESPN.com released its playoff odds today, and no surprise here, it doesn't look good for the Wizards. According to John Hollinger's projections, the Wiz have a 5.5 percent chance of making the playoffs and their best-case scenario in terms of a win-loss record is to finish 48-34. F that. What kind of silly math is Hollinger using? After tonight's loss to the Lakers, Washington could still finish 67-15. That should be good for at least the second spot in the East, right? I'm digging that 0.1 percent chance of winning a division title. Keep the faith, Wizards fans.

Jimmy Patsos: "Take the #$%@ ball inside!"

2008-12-04T20:07:00.000-08:00

With Loyola head coach Jimmy Patsos making news recently -- first for his brilliant decision to double-team Davidson's Stephen Curry for an entire game last week and then for the letter he wrote to Michael Wilbon and Tony Kornheiser defending the strategy -- I'm reminded of this column in Sports Illustrated from 2004. In it, Rick Reilly captured what it was like to be on the Maryland bench alongside Gary Williams during a second round NCAA tournament game against Syracuse. Reilly describes the scene after the Orange took a 6-4 lead:

"Beside himself because his players won't attack the 'Cuse zone, the 59-year-old Williams turns salmon pink. He wheels on his assistant coach, Jimmy Patsos, and hollers, "You dumb mother [deleted on delay]! Make them take the ball inside!"
Why does he scream at Patsos? Because it's scream or herniate, and Williams doesn't want to scream at the Maryland players on the court. In his 13 years with Williams, Patsos has been fired more times than Donald Trump's barber. But he never actually leaves. "I know he doesn't mean it," Patsos says. "He's one of my best friends in the world."

Shortly after the column ran, Patsos was hired to take over a Loyola (Md.) program that was coming off a 1-27 season. The Greyhounds won a school record 19 games last season, but are off to a 2-6 start this year. Loyola closes 2008 with back-to-back games at North Carolina State and Duke, two places where Patsos should feel plenty comfortable. The only difference is now he's the one calling his assistants dumb mother [deleted on delay]. I won't be surprised if Loyola leaves the Tarheel State with a win -- while the double-team strategy failed, Patsos might consider not guarding Duke's Greg Paulus -- and then contends for the MAAC title. An NCAA tournament rematch with Davidson would be amazing.

All Your Lakes Are Belong to Us

2008-12-03T20:01:00.001-08:00

Is it too late for Maryland to schedule Western Michigan, Wayne State, Oakland, and Lake Superior State? Because with the Final Four scheduled for Detroit's Ford Field, the Terps would be poised to cakewalk to their second title in seven years with a few more opponents from the Wolverine State on their schedule. The Terps downed Michigan 75-70 in the ACC-Big 10 (hardly a) Challenge, one week after upsetting Michigan State. Clinton Portis was in the house at Comcast Center, evidently scouting out the best places to celebrate on the way back from the Skins' win in Bal'mer on Sunday.

If there was any question why Quint Kessenich and Mike Kelley were assigned to broadcast the Michigan-Maryland tilt on ESPNU, as opposed to a game that more people would be watching, it was answered when, after a Maryland transition basket, one of them asked, "Is there anyone in the nation better at finding the open man than Greivis Vasquez?" Uh, does Gary Williams sweat?

Vasquez is a tremendous talent, and when he's on his game he's an All-ACC caliber player. He was brilliant in the second half against the Wolverines, finishing with 23 points, 12 rebounds, 6 assists, and, get this, zero turnovers. It'll take a few more nights like that one before Vasquez should be mentioned as one of the nation's best passers, much less anything else, except perhaps hairstylists. Vasquez has 34 assists and 20 turnovers this season, which isn't bad, but leaves plenty of room for improvement. Here's hoping it continues against GW this weekend.

The 3 Worst Redskins Kickers Ever

2008-12-02T18:06:00.000-08:00

The Redskins have employed 16 kickers since legend Chip Lohmiller (above) was cut after the 1995 season. During that time, the likes of Chris Jacke, James Tuthill, Jose Cortez, Brett Conway, Ola Kimrin, Scott Bentley, Jeff Chandler, Nick Novak, and Shaun Suisham have all worn the single digits and soccer shoes for the Skins. And those were just the slightly above suckage kickers of the bunch! Here are the three worst of the worst, all of whom, incidentally, kicked for Washington during the 2000 season:

Michael Husted: The Redskins signed Michael Husted early in the 2000 season to replace the steady Conway, who was later placed on injured reserve. Husted proceeded to miss four of his first eight field goal attempts along with an extra point. Four weeks later, Husted was cut. He went on to attempt one more field goal in his NFL career, with the Kansas City Chiefs two years later. He made it. That's a good story for the grandchildren.

Kris Heppner: The former Montana star was signed to replace Husted and was serviceable through his first three games with Washington. In his fourth game, though, Heppner missed a 33-yard field goal in a painful 16-15 loss to the Cardinals. "It's a $100 million team here," Heppner said afterward. "They demand winning. I completely understand that. Especially when you lose a game to the Cardinals." Wow. That's the type of thing a player would say about today's Detroit Lions. Vinny Cerrato, who was only director of player personnel at the time, weighed in on Heppner's release. "He was in position to put us ahead . . . and he didn't do his job. We owe it to the rest of the guys to upgrade also." Upgrade with whom? Eddie Murray? Sounds like a good idea to me!

Eddie Murray: Eddie Murray's career -- all 19 years of it -- stacks up as one of the best in NFL history among kickers, but his two seasons in Washington (1995 and 2000) didn't exactly inspire chants of Ed-die! Ed-die! at RFK and FedEx Field. Murray came out retirement to replace Heppner for his second stint with the Skins, and in hindsight, it was a terrible decision. Murray missed two field goals, including a 49-yarder with less than a minute to play in a season-crushing 9-7 loss to the New York Giants. "I gave it my best shot," Murray said after the loss, which dropped the Redskins to 7-6 after a 6-2 start. "I thought I had hit it well enough. What's my future here? I guess we'll wait and see what tomorrow brings." Tomorrow brought the firing of head coach Norv Turner. Way to go, Eddie.

Danny Smith Is a Genius

2008-12-01T19:26:00.000-08:00

Redskins special teams coach Danny Smith has taken a lot of heat for his unit's struggles this season. First, rookie punter Durant Brooks was cut, only to be replaced by a man who has downed more double-cheeseburgers since joining the Redskins than punts inside the 20. Then, kicker Shaun Suisham forgot how to make field goals, which would be fine if it wasn't, you know, his main job. And Antwaan Randle El still leads all punt returners in LABYAC. That's "lateral and backwards yards after catch" for the uninitiated. Get your mind out of the gutter.

Rather than sit idly by and watch the Redskins continue to give new meaning to the term "special teams," Danny Smith is attempting to light a fire under his players' asses before Sunday night's game against the Ravens. Behold his weekly PowerPoint presentation:

Off With His Hands!

2008-11-08T09:19:00.000-08:00

I don't know how Carlos Rogers spent his bye week, but he would've been well served spending at least a few minutes browsing this site if he didn't drop his laptop first. Yes, 'Los has emerged as the Redskins' best corner this season. Yes, he's been solid in coverage and he's laid the wood to a few dudes. And yes, he's played remarkably well one year removed from serious knee surgery. But good gosh almighty, the guy can't catch a ball to save his freaking life! I suppose that's why he's not a wide receiver -- or a fireman. Can you imagine the horror of being trapped on the fifth floor of a burning building and looking out the window to find Carlos Rogers at the end of a ladder one floor below screaming "jump"?

The solution to Rogers' problem? Amputate his hands. If it sounds ridiculous, that's because it is. Ridiculously brilliant. If Rogers can't catch with hands, then removing them is no big loss, right? Rogers' hands are kind of like the human tailbone, evolutionary remnants that serve no real purpose. Without hands, Rogers would never be called for holding and he'd be forced to improve his technique. Win-win. People would also no longer curse Rogers when he dropped an interception because, well, that would just be wrong. I mean, the guy wouldn't have any hands.

Predicting Tonight's Boomerisms

2008-11-03T07:20:00.000-08:00

By now you've heard that Chris Berman will interview Barack Obama and John McCain during tonight's Redskins-Steelers game. How might Boomer refer to the presidential hopefuls, I wonder...

Barack "Cartwright" Obama

Barack "Chalk, Jayhawk" Obama

Barack "And Roll" Obama

Barack "Collection" Obama

Barack "Save Your Drama For Your" Obama

Barack "Oh! Oh! Oh!" Obama

Barack "You Like a Hurricane" Obama

John "Edwin" McCain

"Ral" John McCain

John "Riggins "McCain"

John "Night Train" McCain

John McCain "And Abel"

John "Bring the Pain" McCain

John Mc "Lane Kiffin"

Please feel free to leave your own superior suggestions in the comments.

Metro Opens Doors; Doors Open for Jim Zorn

2008-11-02T11:03:00.001-08:00

So, what stop should I get off at to go to the Spy Museum? Belichick told me it's awesome.

Jim Zorn was in the house on Halloween to get his drink on, mingle with admirers, and talk strategy with the Metro. Zorn threw a challenge flag during beer pong, but there was inconclusive evidence to overturn the call that his elbow was over the line when he released the ball. He also carried around a game plan for Monday's showdown with Shitsburgh -- Zorn's nickname, not mine -- which was only 699 pages shorter than Al Saunders' playbook:

1. Defense! Defense! Defense!
2. Give the ball to Portis
3. Coooooley
4. Go deep with Moss and Randle El
5. NO TURNOVERS!!!

The man keeps it simple, much like Coach Janky Spanky.

I'd normally hesitate to reveal the Skins' plans for the Steelers, but they're hardly a secret. After all, Ben Roethlisberger was in the house too, trying hard to avert his eyes from the cheerleader stretching in the bathroom line.

Hip, hip...

Around 2, the Zornstar headed to the Metro, demanding that I post photos from the night on Facebook. He promised a win Monday in return. With a game plan like Zorn's, the Redskins can't lose.

You think they'll hold that train for me?

To Be a Lions Fan

2008-10-26T20:51:00.000-07:00

As you probably heard, Sunday's Lions-Redskins broadcast was blacked out in the Detroit metropolitan area because the game wasn't sold out. It was a blessing in disguise, really. Why watch Dan Orlovsky attempt to navigate the mysterious boundaries of a football field when you can watch the apparent sequel to Brokeback Mountain? Check out the synopsis of Alias Smith and Jones:

A good-natured buddy Western about two charismatic outlaws who are trying to stay straight for one year so they can earn a pardon from the governor for their past misdeeds.

It'll probably take more than a year for the Lions to earn a pardon from their frustrated fans.

The true meaning of Jamey Carroll

2008-10-16T19:41:00.000-07:00

The following is a response to a recent column on ESPN.com. I didn't change most of the words because I'm lazy and I'm not perfect either, but hey, I'm still standing. Or something. This will make no sense unless you read the offensive column linked above first.

Let's be clear: Shin-Soo Choo, regardless of what happens to the global economy, is the new face and future of baseball. He's everything the game needs, everything it's supposed to be about. Daisuke Matsuzaka should be angry.

Sitting 15 to 20 feet away -- and 2 inches below -- him in the dugout during a game is Choo's teammate who may be more important to the game than Choo is destined to be. But little does Jamey Carroll know that just as Choo must realize the game's future is in his possession, the same tag applies to him. As one of the central players in the Indians' unremarkable 81-81 season, Carroll has elevated himself -- with the aid of a booster seat -- as the face and future of "rural" baseball. A face that has been slowly disappearing in the game. To be considered the future of a sport is a gift and a curse no athlete really wants placed on them, especially when that athlete only weighs 170 pounds. With it comes a quasi-responsibility to "save" something that may or may not be on its way to dying. In Carroll's case, he has unknowingly become the one player that Geoff Blum and Craig Counsell have been looking to who can bring the game back to the farmlands in a way no other young white player in the game has been able to do.

He has put on display both the feel for the game and the look of the game that resonates with those Future Farmers of America who have decided that cow-milking and corn-growing provide a brighter future. His permanent 5 o'clock shadow (which almost every 12-year-old male who hits puberty early has sported, but there's something about Jamey's), his high socks, his slight build, his Leprechaun-ish features, his low slugging percentage. He's the player the kids who have lost interest in baseball -- or who never had an interest at all -- can see themselves in. The one they can see themselves dressing up as for Halloween, because Carroll is, after all, about their size.

Maybe not on the same level, but with similar reverence, Carroll might become to Caucasians in baseball what Dice-K has to Asian players or what Papi has to players in the Dominican Republic. The player who corresponds with a culture; a player who may not be mentioned by a player in next year's College World Series, but if a team from Des Moines or Topeka makes it to the Little League World Series five years from now every one of the players will claim nothing runs like a Carroll instead of a Deere. The fact that Carroll's not perfect makes him perfect. His propensity to strike out (as witnessed in September when he whiffed on three different occasions in a game against Boston), the fact that he hit .094 in games played on turf this season, his pedestrian stolen base rate, allowed question about his lack of ability to surface. All display a flaw in him that almost works to his advantage when kids and wannabe players look at him and say "I can't hit either, but look, he still has a job." And he's standing in a way and in a place that no other homegrown player of Caucasian descent has stood on this stage at this age since David Eck or J. McEw in their primes. And it's happening without Carrol saying he wanted to be the one to make it happen. The kid's simply playing ball and being true to who he is, and he's connecting in a way that could help raise the percentage of white players in the major leagues in a few years. Crack. Another infield single. Pop. Another lazy fly ball settling into the centerfielder's glove. The lateral movement he possesses at second base, the way he covers first base on a grounder to the right side, the Billy Ripken remix style he has in getting into ready position.

So rural.

Meet Jose Theodore

2008-10-11T08:05:00.001-07:00

17 shots against, 4 goals. Jo-please-se this isn't a sign of things to come.

The NFC East Meets "The Office"

2008-10-09T17:47:00.000-07:00

What do you get when you combine the best show on television with the best division in football? Far-fetched comparisons, for one. The Mottram Bros. have already identified the tremendous likeness between Redskins owner Dan Snyder and Dunder Mifflin boss Michael Scott, but what about the NFC East's four coaches? Who are their kindred spirits in Scranton?

In order of their current standing in the division:

If things don't work out with Andy, Angela could always cozy up -- or whatever hard-asses do together -- with the Giants' Tom Coughlin. I'm sure she could plan one hell of a Super Bowl party, with red streamers, not green, because green is whorish. Obviously.

They're both goofy. They both have adoring fans. They once shared the same hairstyle. And if you don't think Jim Zorn could score with Pam Beesly, well, you're sorely mistaken. Hail to the Redskins, indeed.

Besides kind of looking alike, Wade Phillips and Creed share the same dry sense of humor and propensity for dropping one-liners. Phillips, on the welcome he received from fans during his first practice with the Cowboys: "That's the last time I'll get a standing ovation, I'll tell you that." Creed, who is slightly more creepy than Phillips: "Oh, I steal things all the time. It's just something I do. I stopped caring long ago."

Take this to the bank: Andy Reid and Kevin can both fit more M&M's in their mouths than you.

Those Tricky Redskins

2008-10-08T12:52:00.001-07:00

ARE the QB > ARE the WR > ARE the PR

When Antwaan Randle El connected with Chris Cooley for a touchdown pass in last Sunday's win at Philadelphia, it marked the eighth consecutive season that a non-quarterback has thrown a touchdown pass for the Redskins. Randle El, who starred as a dual-threat QB during his college career at Indiana, has thrown two touchdowns with Washington, while Clinton Portis leads all current Redskins non-QBs in career touchdown passes with three.

For comparison's sake, I looked at the non-QB passing statistics for the entire NFC East going back to the 2000 season, the last year a non-QB failed to throw a TD pass for the Redskins. The numbers, which include the first five weeks of 2008, may surprise you:

Redskins	Eagles	Cowboys	Giants
14-for-25, 9 TD	5-for-17, 3 TD	5-for-13, TD	0-for-3

Given Steve Spurrier's penchant for trickery, I fully expected the Redskins to lead the division in most attempts by a non-QB, but I had no idea that their unconventional playcalls had produced such positive results. The Cowboys and Giants' numbers are somewhat skewed, as Ryan Leaf and Jared Lorenzen both technically qualify as quarterbacks and their stats are not included. Two of the Giants' paltry three attempts were by punter Jeff Feagles, so Tom Coughlin is apparently a conservative play-caller. Who knew? One of the Eagles' three TD passes was by Brian Mitchell, who was 5-for-13 passing during his Redskins career, on a fake punt.

With two touchdown passes apiece, Rod Gardner and Kevin Lockett accounted for the other four Redskins passing touchdowns by non-QBs since 2000. Gardner threw two TDs in 2003, including one to Trung Canidate to beat Seattle in one of the few feel-good moments of the Spurrier Era. Surprisingly, that play only qualifies as the second most unlikely scoring combination in recent Redskins history. Lockett, who retired with 1/4 as many TD passess as TD receptions, and Derrius Thompson earned that distinction when they hooked up for a 14-yard score in 2001.

If you're scoring at home, ARE has a career 154.8 QB rating; Clinton Portis' is only 130.8. It's time to step up your game, CP.

A Modern History of Hip Hip Hooray!

2008-10-07T17:14:00.000-07:00

What exactly does Heath Shuler have to do with Hip Hip Hooray? Not much.

Thanks to their zany, by-golly leader Jim Zorn, Hip Hip Hooray is fast becoming the rallying cry of this year's Redskins (get your t-shirts here!). The cheer, which some claim has ancient origins, hadn't been used much in NFL circles since George Allen coached the Redskins until Zorn unearthed it in the Texas Stadium visitors locker room two weeks ago.

That's not to say that Hip, Hip, Hooray wasn't invoked at all in the last 20 years...

December 17, 2003:

Toronto Globe and Mail sports columnist Allan Maki lamented the increasingly over-the-top nature of NFL endzone celebrations the week that Joe Horn infamously caught a touchdown pass and retrieved a cellphone from underneath the goalpost pad as part of a choreographed act.

He conlcuded: "So remember: players who score touchdowns can grab their teammates, be hugged by fans and shout a mighty, "Hip hip hooray!" They cannot, on any occasion, grab a lower body part and gyrate, make throat-slashing gestures or pick up a cellphone to make a call -- unless it's to find a job in another line of work."

A man after Zorn's own goofy heart, it turns out that Maki was five years ahead of -- and 30 years behind? -- his time. I think even Maki might have excused Zorn had he grabbed his crotch in Philadelphia on Sunday after Clinton Portis converted that crucial fourth down.

July 26, 1994:

After signing the richest rookie contract in NFL history to end a 12-day holdout, Marshall Faulk was quoted in USA Today: "I didn't have time to celebrate -- no champagne, no hip, hip, hoorays." Even as a rookie, Marshall Faulk apparently knew how to party. Perhaps the Redskins should keep a few bottles of Krug and Dom Perignon on ice for the postgame celebration this Sunday.

Incidentally, the same brief included the following update: "Also, the Washington Redskins and quarterback Heath Shuler, the No. 3 pick, are closer to a deal, says agent Tom Condon."

Hip, hip, -- uh, nevermind.

December 16, 1988:

A young Michael Wilbon wrote a column in the Washington Post about Cincinnati Bengals head coach Sam Wyche's memories of his former coach and original hipster George Allen.

"George used to come in after a win and would say he wanted to hear three cheers for the Redskins. And he'd yell, `Hip, hip, hooray. Hip, hip, hooray. Hip, hip, hooray.' And he'd jump up in the air and get himself all fired up."

"Well, we [the Bengals] went to Philadelphia the second game of [this] season. They had just beaten Tampa Bay and everybody was talking about the Eagles for the Super Bowl. It was a pretty big game at that time, and we won it, on the road. We came into the locker room afterward and I had a flashback.

"I hollered, `Hip, hip, hooray,' and the room was quiet. It was a little bit louder on the second time. And on the third one, everybody was saying, `Naw, we're not doing this.' In the early '70s, under George, it was fun. Every now and then, I hear one of our guys behind me going, `Hip, hip!' "

Naw, we're not doing this? That's hardly the spirit, though it should hardly come as a surprise. The fact that the Redskins didn't have a similar reaction 20 years later is either indicative of Zorn's serious gift for endearing himself to his players or the fact that this is one ridiculously kooky team. It's probably a combination of the two. Oh, and I'm sure it had nothing to do with the hip, hip, hooraying (albeit half-assed), but the Bengals finished 12-4 that season and lost to Joe Montana and the 49ers in the Super Bowl. Just sayin'.

November 24, 1988:

During the 1988 football season, the Washington Post ran a guest prognosticator column each week. This particular week, author and playwright Larry L. King broke out the ol' triple-H before making one of his picks.

"Monday night might be a good opportunity to catch up on lost sleep, the 6-6 Seattle Seahawks hosting the 6-6 Los Angeles Raiders, even though the lead in the AFC West is at stake. Hip-hip-hooray and all that, but somehow here in Washington that isn't of equal importance with the national deficit or even whom President-elect Bush may name as third assistant undersecretary of nuts and bolts. I'm tempted to call the Monday night game a 6-6 overtime tie, but here's a weak vote for the Raiders-getting three-to cover. The Raiders have won four of six on the road outright, the Seahawks don't scare anybody, and likely the Raiders have more grit. So take the Raiders and the points, but don't risk large sums."

For the record, Dave Krieg would outduel Steve Beuerlein in a thrilling 35-27 Seahawks win. It's unknown whether head coach Chuck Knox led the team in a locker room cheer afterward.

Strike Up the Bandwagon

2008-10-05T20:11:00.000-07:00

In Week 5 of the 1991 season, the Redskins shut out the Eagles 23-0 at RFK Stadium. It was Washington's fifth straight win to open the season and third shutout at home. Tony Kornheiser, whose Bandwagon was gaining steam, wrote: "The Redskins lead the O's in home shutouts, 3-2. They could be playing in Group F."

Flash forward to yesterday.

In Week 5 of the 2008 season, the Redskins defeated the Eagles 23-17 at Lincoln Financial Field. It was Washington's fourth straight win after opening the season with a humiliating loss against the New York Giants and the Skins' second straight win against an NFC East rival on the road. Mike Wise, who is more than bald enough to succeed TK as Bandwagon chauffeur, wrote: "Did we mention the Redskins, barring a major injury, are going back to the playoffs? They are, and I don't want to hear anything to the contrary after this surreal 4-1 start."

Changing of the Spoon

2008-10-04T19:10:00.000-07:00

W.T.F.

2008-10-04T18:16:00.001-07:00

Dub-Y-O!

2008-10-02T20:13:00.000-07:00

I lived in Casper, Wyoming for nearly two years, so the latest Easterns Motors commercial takes on some added significance for me. For my first and only Halloween in the Cowboy State, I went as Cap'n Comin' Backatcha, a character inspired by Clinton Portis' Sheriff Gonna Getcha and Reverend Gonna Change. The costume featured a life preserver inscribed with "S.S. Playoffs", a Heath Shuler jersey, a black velvet jacket, cowboy boots, a stick-on goatee and some dollar-store stunna shades. Unimpressed, the Redskins would finish the season 5-11.

For the record, I never encountered a liger in Wyoming, though it's possible they were hiding in one of the state's four trees. I did see a a lot of pronghorns and one night I bumped into Casper native Mike Devereaux in a bar.

There's more on the new Easterns spots at the D.C. Sports Bog.

Stick to Movies, Gheorge

2008-10-01T21:32:00.000-07:00

Former Washington Bullets 7-foot-7 center Gheorge Muresan -- You the man! You the man! -- was on the Doc Walker Show yesterday, marking the first time in the illustrious history of the program that a guest was more difficult to listen to than Doc himself.

Muresan was promoting a book he co-authored/endorsed that will be released this weekend, The Boy's Fitness Guide: Expert Coaching For the Young Man Who Wants to Look and Feel His Best. Muresan spoke to Doc about the challenge of getting kids off their fat, Twinkie-eating asses and outside to exercise. To paraphrase Muresan's message: "Kids these days just want to play video games all day. Sports aren't necessarily for everyone, but kids need to be getting exercise. My kids don't have video games. I tell them 'If you want to play, I'll play with you. If you want to get video games, I'll get you video games.' But they don't have video games." (One can only wonder how Gheorge's hand-eye coordination would have benefited from a little Mario Brothers action.)

If Gheorge's interview with Doc was any indication, this book won't motivate kids to put down the Playstation controller. One of the many brilliant nutrition tips included in the book that Muresan was kind enough to share on the show was -- spoiler alert! -- "avoid junk food." Another was "watch your rations." The longer the interview went on, the more I had to resist the urge to drive into oncoming traffic. (I could have also changed the station, but the conversation was equal parts mesmerizing and mind-numbing). Look, I'm all for fitness education and it's good to see one of my favorite Bullets joining the cause, but if you're going to write a book for boys on the subject, tell them something they don't know.

The following is from the free excerpt on Amazon.com:

Physical fitness is a way of life -- a commitment to exercise, eat right, and care for your body.

Being fit has many rewards. Your body is healthy and strong. Your weight is proportional to your height. You feel good about yourself. You're alert, able to think clearly. And you look your best.

I'm pretty sure that the first sentence would be easier to read if it were written in Romanian. Muresan will be autographing copies of the book at Tysons Corner this weekend, so put down that ice cream and get out there. The book could make a nice stocking stuffer this holiday season, if only for the fact that the cover includes the unintentionally hilarious phrase "endorsed by NBA Star Gheorge Muresan."

Movie star? Maybe. NBA star? Not so much.

Only 4.5 Months 'Til Pitchers and Catchers Report!

2008-09-29T17:51:00.000-07:00

I meant to post this video a few months ago. It's from better times, when losing 100 games was unfathomable, and would have to make any "Top 10 Happiest Moments at Nationals Park" list.

Rustico and Redskins

2008-09-28T20:18:00.000-07:00

I went to the Virginia Wine Festival on Saturday at the Prince William County Fairgrounds, where local Redskins and Cowboys fans alike were flaunting their allegiances in advance of Sunday's showdown (Chris Cooley jersey, good; pink Redskins hat, bad; "D.C. stands for Dallas Cowboys" and "Tony Romo for President" t-shirts, ugly).

Having run a 10-miler that morning, I was feeling pretty good after one tent's worth of tasting. Around the same time, I learned that Maryland had come back to beat Clemson. Things would only get better. My friends and I moved to the second tent, which featured the Virginia Wine Lover magazine table. In addition to a wine glass, every festival attendee was entitled to a free subscription to the magazine. I wasn't planning on taking advantage of the offer until I saw Todd Collins' goofy, grinning face on the cover of the latest issue.

I picked up a complimentary copy and examined the cover more closely. I'm not sure that this photo wouldn't have been a better choice, but that's why they pay wine magazine editors the big bucks. Collins is holding a bottle of Rustico from Villa Appalacia in the photo, so I checked the festival program to see if Villa Appalaccia had a table. No doubt they did.

My girlfriend and I approached the tasting table and Villa Appalaccia's wine grower, Dr. Susanne Becker, noticed what I was holding. Like a proud mother, she took the magazine from me and excitedly pointed out that Todd Collins was gripping a bottle of her wine like a brand new Wilson.

"I know," I said. "That's why I'm here. I sought you out. You must've had a lot of Redskins fans stopping by today, huh?"

"No," Susanne said. "You're actually the first who noticed us on the magazine."

Impossible. Does that make me creepy? I asked her if she was a Redskins fan.

"No," Susanne said. "We're located in Virginia Tech country (Floyd, VA). There aren't a lot of Redskins fans there."

She later told me she was from Finland and didn't really follow football much. Sadly, she also didn't know anything about cover boy and oenophile Todd Collins. I asked if she had framed the magazine or enlarged it to display on a wall in her cellar. No and no. She keeps a copy at her winery, but is otherwise taking her newfound celebrity status (read: at least one new fan!) in stride.

At some point during this conversation I tasted the Rustico, which is made from the Corvino grape and is delicious. When it hit my lips, images of Todd Collins zipping spirals to Santana Moss flooded my mind and there was no question I was going to buy a bottle. In hindsight, I should've bought a case. Susanne was happy to pose for a photo with me, Todd, and the Rustico.

I read the cover article, written by the Examiner's John Keim, when I got home. It rehashes Collins' well documented propensity for sniffing things, including footballs and wine, and also includes a few original choice quotes:

"The general culture is more involved in wine and a lot of athletes have moved beyond beer. Not that they're turning their noses up at beer or anything, but I think they appreciate some other things, they get into wine and start tasting and they combine wines with meals and they go to nice places and they're not afraid to spend for a top bottle and then they start buying and cellaring and start talking about it."
-- Former Kansas City Chiefs coach Dick Vermeil

"I didn't know Virginia made so many different types of wine."
-- Todd Collins, whose aging Keim compared to a quality Brunello or Cabernet

Clearly, the only way for Virginia Wine Lover to top this is to put Clinton Portis in costume (Sommelier Jerome?) on the cover of the Winter edition. I will eagerly await its arrival. As for my bottle of Rustico, I plan to let it age until the Redskins win the Super Bowl or lose a game in particularly brutal fashion, whichever comes first. At that point, I will proceed to down the entire bottle in one sitting, pausing only occasionally to sniff its sweet aroma. Todd Collins wouldn't have it any other way.

The 12th Man on the Grassy Knoll

2008-09-28T19:16:00.000-07:00

Leading 23-17 with 6 minutes to play, the Redskins faced a third-and-2 on the Dallas 31. The Cowboys stuffed Clinton Portis for no gain, apparently setting up a long field goal attempt. There was a flag on the play, however; the officials ruled that Dallas had 12 players on the field when the ball was snapped. After Dallas head coach Wade Phillips appeared ready to throw his red challenge flag, Joe Buck and Troy Aikman attempted to count the Dallas defenders using the very latest in telestrator technology. Numerals!

According to the resulting screenshot, the Cowboys' 12th defender on the field (upper left) was the ghost of Roy Williams. Dallas fans were undoubtedly screaming for Phillips to challenge the call at this point, but wisely he didn't. (There are two Dallas defenders behind the No. 2).

Zorn Again!

2008-09-28T18:06:00.000-07:00

Portis pockets straight. Suisham field goals straight. Campbell passes straight. Horton interceptions straight. I still don't really know what any of that means, but I do know this: The Redskins' 26-24 win in Dallas was straight up awesome.

Where to begin?

Jason Campbell's passer rating was 108.4 and he has now thrown 6 touchdowns with nary an interception this season. Against Dallas, he used his legs to elude the Cowboys' pass rush, buying extra time in true Tony Romo-fashion on a couple of occasions to find Santana Moss wide open downfield for big gains. Campbell's most incredible Houdini act resulted in a touchdown pass to Antwaan Randle El on a broken play that was nullified by a penalty. Campbell pocket presence straight. (A well articulated description of Campbell's improved decision-making here).

Moss had another monster game, Randle El and James Thrash made touchdown grabs, and Chris Cooley had four catches, including one on a crucial third down in the fourth quarter. Portis had his first 100-yard game of the season, though he did nothing to dispel the recent knock on him that he gets winded and takes himself out of the game too often. Given how many shots there were of Portis on the sideline during Redskins drives, you'd think Brian Mitchell was in the production truck directing the camera traffic. "Stay on Portis! Keep that tight shot! Zoom in on his pockets! Yeah, right there. Yeah, what's up now, man? You want to steal me now while you huffin' and puffin' on the sideline?"

Portis had a touchdown run wiped out by a penalty, which is a shame, because the ensuing celebration was top-notch. Or straight, whatever. First Portis mocked Terrell Owens' lame, gimme-a-T-gimme-an-O celebration. Then he mimed using a bow to shoot an arrow that apparently struck Portis, who was perhaps still acting as T.O., in the ass. I hope -- and fully expect -- video of the whole charade will surface this week.

Update: Video evidence is already on YouTube, thanks to the Mottram Bros. at Mister Irrelevant. Their video of a violently giddy Jim Zorn is also worth a look.

Washington's defense shut Marion Barber down, effectively forcing Dallas to completely abandon the run. The dangerous Felix Jones didn't have a single carry or reception. While the Skins' defensive line never got to Romo, the secondary was more than up to the challenge. Rookie Chris Horton made a key interception by jumping a sideline route and Shawn Springs helped keep T.O., who burned Washington for four touchdowns in Big D last year, in check. Carlos Rogers wasn't at his worst, which in this game was good enough.

On special teams, Shaun Suisham drilled all four of his field goal attempts and Durant Brooks wasn't chewed out on the sidelines by Zorn.

Please Don't Fire Groh

2008-09-27T22:00:00.001-07:00

I can't wait to see the update at firealgroh.com after Saturday's 31-3 loss at Duke. If the "momentum was building" after the UConn game, it's now gathering speed like a runaway freight train. I'm also eagerly anticipating the write-up in the Cavalier Daily, which took a glass-half-full approach in the article previewing the game:

The tenuous 24-13 win against Duke in 2007 sparked something for the Cavaliers, and fans can only hope the same will be true this season.

Keep holding out hope, 'Hoos fans. The only thing yesterday's game sparked was a fire on the unintentionally hilarious UVA message boards.

If Maryland blasts Virginia in Charlottesville next weekend -- if this doesn't happen, um, Fire Ralph Friedgen! -- the Scott Stadium security force should begin to surround Groh in the waning minutes as if he's a goalpost, fending off the masses who want to carry his body out of town.

Jacquizz The Shizz

2008-09-25T21:24:00.000-07:00

For all the USC fans out there wondering who that elusive dude in the No. 1 jersey was last night, this is Oregon State freshman running back Jacquizz Rodgers. I have no idea what he's wearing in this photo, but when you rush for 186 yards and two touchdowns in an upset of the nation's top-ranked team, you can pretty much wear whatever you please. Fight on indeed.

SKNZ PL8S

2008-09-25T13:41:00.000-07:00

Hours after the Sports Bog featured a mini expose of Skins, uh, provanity plates, I saw an EGLSUK license plate while driving home. If I ever decide to replace my sweet, randomly generated 3-letter 3-number combo, I might consider this nod to Joe Gibbs:

If Sunday's showdown in Big D turns into a Big Debacle, this might better express Skins' fans sentiments during the Monday morning commute:

Juan More Time

2008-09-24T07:00:00.000-07:00

Former Maryland star Juan Dixon is returning to the Wizards, which means the Dixon bobblehead on my desk is now only a throwback in the sense that it's from a time when some people thought he could score 20 points per game as a full-time starter.

Washington selected Dixon with the 17th pick in the 2002 draft and even then some wondered whether that was too early to take the spindly 6-foot-3 guard. I like Dixon ~~as much~~ much more than the next guy, but six years after he carried the Terps to their first national title, it's clear that he will never approach the same star status in the NBA. In nearly 400 career games, he has averaged 9 points while making only 34 percent of his three-point attempts. Still, based on what became of some of the players selected after Dixon that year, the Wizards could have done much, much worse. Take a stroll down memory lane, which in this instance is littered with trash.

18. Curtis Borchardt, C, Stanford: Drafted by Orlando and promptly traded to Utah, the oft-injured Borchardt missed his rookie season and then averaged 3.1 points in parts of two seasons with the Jazz. He's now playing in Spain.

19. Ryan Humphrey, F, Notre Dame: Humphrey averaged 2.3 points in 85 games with Memphis and Orlando. He's now playing in Italy.

20. Kareem Rush, G, Missouri: Drafted by Toronto and traded to the Lakers. Has averaged 6.8 points in over 300 games.

21. Qyntel Woods, F, NE Mississippi CC: Drafted by Portland, Woods fit right in with the Jail Blazers. During the 2004-05 season he plead guilty to first-degree animal cruelty for staging dog fights at his house. On the court, Woods played more like a pitbull with lipstick during his forgettable NBA career. He's now playing in Bologna.

22. Casey Jacobsen, G, Stanford: Put it this way: The highlight of Jacobsen's post-college career was winning finals MVP of the 2007 German Basketball Championship -- with a team called the Brose Baskets.

23. Tayshaun Prince, F, Kentucky: OK, so picking Prince might have been a better decision.

24. Nenad Krstic, F, Yugoslavia: Yawn.

25. Frank Williams, G, Illinois: Deron Williams > Dee Brown > Frank Williams > Kenny Battle

26. John Salmons, F, Miami: Has blossomed in Sacramento the last two seasons after four years as a reserve with the Sixers.

27. Chris Jefferies, F, Fresno St.: He played 72 games in the NBA, averaging 3.9 points.

28. Dan Dickau, G, Gonzaga: At least his girlfriend was hot.

An Open Letter to Carlos Rogers

2008-09-22T06:27:00.000-07:00

Dear Carlos,

Heck of an interception, man. Nice return, too. The Redskins couldn’t have won yesterday without you. You know all those nasty things I’ve said about you recently, comparing your hands to those of Chubs in Happy Gilmore and whatnot? Well, I think I probably, uh, kind of, owe you – hold on.

I think you cemented your reputation in my mind as having cement hands back in ’06. You were in Seattle, playing the Seahawks in the second-round of the playoffs after an improbable run to the postseason and a win over Tampa Bay the week before. You guys were up 3-0 in the second quarter, the Qwest Field fans were unusually quiet, and they were about to be reduced to silence. Matt Hasselbeck dropped back to pass and eyed Maurice Morris in the flat. You, playing Cover 2, read the play like a book and jumped the route, nothing but daylight – light rain, really – between you and the end zone. You were about to go ahead 10-0, on the road, in the playoffs. Strike up the band, Hail to the Redskins, this magical streak was going to continue. But you dropped the ball, Seattle eventually scored a touchdown on the drive, and you never led again.

“I had it in my hands, for a second,” you told reporters after the game. Little did anyone know at the time that those words would define the first few years of your career. You were abysmal in 2006 and sadly blew out your knee last year. If only you had torn three ligaments in one of your hands, you wouldn’t have had to miss any time because, well, you don’t use them anyway. You worked hard in rehab during the offseason, though, and it was good to see you back on the field against the Giants in Week 1. Until, that is, Eli Manning decided to pick on you and I wished you were on the sideline. To your credit, you bounced back and played well the following week against the Saints.

And then there was yesterday. The interception, with the assist by Leigh Torrence, was a thing of beauty. As the tipped ball fluttered into your hands – and (gasp!) stayed there – Redskins fans at the bar where I was watching shot up out of their seats. Two guys in front of me knocked over the same bottle of beer twice while slapping hands during the ensuing celebration, a fitting display if there ever was one after an interception by you!

So what I was trying to say, ‘Los, is that I shouldn’t have been so quick to compare you to Edward Scissorhands. You’re more like Roberto Duran. But seriously, I hope you savor the win, rest up, and watch a lot of video of Patrick Crayton. And Carlos? I'm finally confident you won't drop the remote.

Sincerely,
Scott

[Photo: The Washington Times]

The 'Tana Man Can

2008-09-16T06:18:00.001-07:00

In the span of 10 days after a humiliating season-opening loss to the Giants, the Washington Redskins re-learned the intricacies of football; namely, the orange first-down markers on the sidelines are not pre-Halloween decorations and throwing the ball beyond them from time to time is generally a good idea. Jason Campbell, who showed a presence in the pocket that was lacking in Week 1, delivered a beautiful deep ball to Santana Moss for the winning touchdown. A Redskins QB hasn't thrown a ball that far since Mark Brunell, who watched from the Saints' sideline Sunday, hooked up with Moss for two miraculous touchdowns to beat Dallas in '05. Clinton Portis complemented the Skins' aerial attack with a game that can only be described in true Gibbsian fashion as hard-fought.

The defense was stout, with Chris Horton finding himself in the right place at the right time for a pair of interceptions that even Carlos Rogers could have made. Cornelius Griffin came up with a huge sack, Jason Taylor played like the All-Pro that he is, and LaRon Landry continued to show why he will be the hard-hitting face of the defense for years to come.

Arizona comes to Landover next Sunday and could provide a stiffer test, believe it or not, than the Saints. While New Orleans was without star wide receiver Marques Colston and several starters on defense, Arizona's offense is rolling behind Kurt Warner, Larry Fitzgerald, and Anquan Boldin. That trio figures to test Rogers, Springs and Co. all afternoon; Todd Yoder willing, they'll answer the challenge.

Phelps: Australian for Fast

2008-09-14T20:09:00.001-07:00

Poor Michael Phelps. After delivering an unspectacular performance as host of SNL's season premiere, the Golden ~~Boy~~ Dolphin was probably hoping to watch Sunday night's Browns-Steelers game while drinking what appears to be Foster's out of the spotlight. Let's just hope he was adhering to the "No Guzzling" rule.

Ryan Zimmerman is Todd Boeckman

2008-09-14T10:09:00.000-07:00

Though both of their respective teams lost, Washington Nationals third baseman Ryan Zimmerman had a decidedly better individual performance Saturday night (2-for-3, BB, R) than Ohio State quarterback Todd Boeckman (14-for-21, 84, 2 INT). Or did he?

Poor Carlos Quentin

2008-09-06T08:40:00.000-07:00

By now you've heard that White Sox wunderkind Carlos Quentin broke his wrist by slamming his right hand against his bat after fouling off a pitch on Friday. Methinks Quentin was actually more angry about the fact that his alma mater's game at Arizona State tonight is only on Fox Sports Net Arizona than a silly foul ball.

Coming Out Flat

2008-09-05T06:37:00.001-07:00

I'll say this about Jim Zorn's head coaching debut: It sure made watching the Republican National Convention afterward seem enjoyable. In their first meaningful game since upsetting the previously undefeated Patriots in the Super Bowl, the Giants spoiled another bid for perfection with an easy 16-7 win over the Redskins at the Meadowlands. So much for 19-0; 0-16, though, looks attainable.

Where to start?

Carlos Rogers belongs in the Arena Football League. No, he belongs in AFL2. He can't cover, he can't tackle, and he evidently can't catch. I know he and Fred Smoot are defensive backs and not wide receivers for a reason, but they both have two hands, 10 fingers, and, unlike Sen. McCain, can lift their arms above their shoulders. Combined, the chopstick-handed duo dropped three balls that should have been intercepted. A shortlist of potential replacements that Vinny Cerrato should invite to Redskins Park this week: Edward Scissorhands, Jim Abbott, and Antonio Alfonseca.

I know Halloween is right around the corner, but those first down markers on the sidelines aren't just for decoration. Why, then, did the Redskins repeatedly call plays on third down that left them a yard or two short of the sticks? Credit the Giants for making open-field tackles when they had to, but come on, Jason Campbell and his receivers need to be more aware of where they are and how many yards they need on a given play.

Zorn's clock management late in the game left something to be desired. Running the 6-minute drill when you're trailing by 9 points isn't going to cut it. The play-calling as a whole was atrocious. Campbell looked flustered in the pocket, the offensive line allowed too much penetration and the revamped defensive line showed little push for most of the night.

I'm not about to jump off the Bandwagon and I don't think that criticizing the Redskins for one of their most embarrassing performances in recent memory makes one a disloyal fan. Bring on New Orleans. 15-1 aint' so bad.

New Englanders Still Bitter

2008-09-04T11:28:00.000-07:00

As of this posting, 65% of voters throughout the country predict the Giants will defeat the Redskins in tonight's season opener. Only two states are polling pro-Washington and neither of those two is Virginia (56% voted G-Men) or Maryland (53% voted G-Men). The dissenters? New Hampshire and Massachusetts, where residents evidently haven't forgotten the humiliation Eli Manning and David Tyree helped inflict upon the Patriots in February.

Haters in the House

2008-09-04T06:12:00.000-07:00

So let me get this straight: Eli Manning is still the Giants' quarterback, Osi Umenyiora is out for the season, and Michael Strahan is flashing his gap-toothed smile on a beach somewhere, yet 8 out of 9 "experts" -- plus most of the country -- predict the Redskins will lose tonight. I'm not saying the Skins will win, but I don't think this game is as much of a lock as people are making it out to be.

You go, David Fleming. Dare to be different.

High Octane Offense

2008-09-03T07:13:00.001-07:00

This is for all the doubters who say Jim Zorn is in for a rude awakening in his first year as an NFL head coach; for all the wannabe NFL general managers whose idea of running a team involves taking LaDainian Tomlinson with the No. 1 pick in their fantasy drafts and who say Jason Campbell is no better than an average quarterback; for all the fans who are worried sick that the Skins will get embarrassed tomorrow night on national TV.

Calm the f%#* Dallas down.

So getting outscored 71-6 by Carolina and Jacksonville wasn't exactly the most uplifting way to close out the preseason. Watching the offense stall more often than Tuesday's traffic was frustrating, but at least you didn't have to stomach the pain of watching the defense, because it wasn't there.

The Skins will be fine. The offensive playcalling in the preseason was vanilla; tomorrow it will be petroleum. The Redskins offense practiced with gas pumps and matches this week -- another one of Zorn's zany ideas! -- in an effort to spark the struggling unit. The exclusive photo above, taken during Tuesday's practice at Redskins Park, shows Chris Cooley heading up field after making a catch, looking for a would-be defender to douse with gasoline. Mike Sellers and Rock Cartwright both practiced with diesel fuel pumps.

No, really, I think the offense will play much better. I mean, it has to. Right?

Wake Up, Washington

2008-09-02T05:37:00.000-07:00

In today's Washington Post, Antwaan Randle El discusses his role in helping rookie receivers Malcolm Kelly and Devin Thomas adjust to life in the NFL.

"It's not just going to class, waking up and then going to practice," Randle El said. "This is all you have, and a lot of people are depending on you."

So that's the secret to breezing through college. See, I did the whole waking up thing before going to class -- I swear, the stuff they don't tell you in freshman orientation! Let's just hope Skins rookie tight end Fred "Sleepy" Davis has mastered the 'waking up' part of going to practice by now.

Meet Toby Gerhart

2008-08-29T05:59:00.000-07:00

Some people know Toby Gerhart as the guy who set the California High School career rushing record by more than 1,000 yards (!) at Norco HS.

Other people know Gerhart as the Stanford outfielder who belted a mammoth home run against Florida State in the 2008 College World Series.

And the Oregon State football team? The Beavers know Gerhart as this:

19 carries. 147 yards. 2 touchdowns. 1 improbable season-opening win.

Get on board the Gerhart Train. Next stop: Tempe, AZ.

Let's Take a Look Under the Hood

2008-08-28T11:16:00.000-07:00

Little girls carry lunch pails; real men wear mechanic's shirts. Stanford head coach Jim Harbaugh gave blue collar shirts to his players this summer, a gesture meant to symbolize the Cardinal's workmanlike effort. I can dig it. Vintage is so in among the college crowd, the marketing possibilities are endless, and it sure beats putting a stump of wood alongside the recently returned Stanford Axe in the locker room. Here's hoping Harbaugh sports his own shirt -- with "Jim" embroidered on the name tag -- on the sideline this season.

This Will Never Get Old

2008-08-27T20:50:00.000-07:00

Stanford kicks off the second year of the Harbaugh Era tonight against Oregon State -- the first of three brutal games (@ Arizona State, @ TCU) to start the season. The Beavers' schedule is no joke either, and OSU could be looking ahead to next week's trip to Happy Valley.

Bold predictions: Stanford rushes for more than the -8 yards they racked up in a 23-6 loss in Corvallis last year; Tavita Pritchard does nothing to make Cardinal fans forget about Trent Edwards and nothing to make them yearn for T.C. Ostrander; ESPN's Ron Franklin or Ed Cunningham will refer to Stanford as the "Cardinals" at least once; Jim Harbaugh will show more emotion after one play than Walt Harris and Buddy Teevens did in their too many years combined on the Farm. Oh, and Stanford wins, 28-14.

DJ Strawberry = Sean Singletary

2008-08-26T19:54:00.000-07:00

Huge trade in the NBA today, with the Suns sending former Maryland guard D.J. Strawberry to Houston for former UVA standout Sean Singletary.

On TheSabre, one Hoo laments:

"Damn, SS is getting passed around like one of my old girlfriends."

Meanwhile, a Singletary fan weighed in on the deal over at TerrapinSportsReport:

"As much as you guys may hate this trade, you know that SS couldn't have ended up with a better team in terms of matching play style. Run up and down, little reckless at times, harass the ball. Dont hate, appreciate."

To which a Maryland fan responded:

"we dont care about singletary on this board we care about DJ and this trade puts him in jeopardy of not making the team or 12th man again."

And:

"who cares, go away"

That last comment about sums it up. As much as I loved watching DJ Strawberry do his thing in College Park, I'd be surprised if he or Singletary sticks in the NBA.

Cubs Broadcasters Are Morons

2008-08-22T12:27:00.000-07:00

With the Nationals in Chicago for a three-game series with the Cubs, I took advantage of the opportunity to watch the opener on WGN. I like MASN's Carpenter-Sutton pairing just fine, but I can always use some fresh perspective while watching the worst team in baseball. Much to my dismay, Len Kasper and Bob Brenly didn't provide it.

As a graphic showing each category in which the Cubs ranked first and the Nationals ranked last was displayed, Kasper explained how the Cubs players still considered Washington a pesky team that they can't take lightly. The Nationals, after all, have nothing to lose at this point -- except more baseball games. Blah, blah, blah. Hackneyed? Sure, but I understand the sentiment. WGN conveniently left out the one category that the Nats rank first in: "Number of Light-Hitting Middle Infielders."

I didn't really start to wonder if Kasper was sleeping with Stan Kasten until Emilio "Why Walk When You Can Run" Bonifacio and Christian Guzman both grounded out weakly to second base to start the game. After Guzman was called out on a bang-bang play at first base, Kasper said something to the effect of, "You can really see how dangerous the top of this Nationals lineup could be. With the speed at the top of the order, they could wreak some havoc on the basepaths and score some runs if they could get on base." Um, yeah, and the heart of the order -- Zimmerman, Milledge, and Belliard -- could strike fear in eyes of opposing pitchers if they could, you know, hit a lot of home runs.

Bonifacio has four walks and 29 strikeouts this season, with most of his at-bats coming in the leadoff spot. Guzman has 18 walks and 45 strikeouts. Neither of them belongs anywhere near the top of the order.

Perhaps by Sunday, when the Cubs complete their third consecutive shutout of the Nats, Kasper and Brenly will realize that there is nothing potentially dangerous about Washington's current lineup, except to those who have to watch it suck.

Nuts About the Nats

2008-08-04T21:15:00.000-07:00

This guy is a huge Emilio Bonifacio fan.

The new-look Nats remained perfect in August after pummeling the Rockies 9-4 behind Bonifacio's three hits. The win moved Washington to within 19.5 games of Milwaukee for the NL wild card spot with an absolutely crucial four-game series against the Brew Crew looming next weekend. Go nuts, Nats fans. This could qualify as the high point of the season.

Show 'em what they've, uh, won...

2008-06-18T15:07:00.000-07:00

Forget Refgate. The NBA didn't conspire to have Boston win its 17th NBA title any more than Sasha Vujacic conspired to do his best impression of a greasy sieve wearing a hairnet on defense. The Lakers simply embarrassed themselves Tuesday night and saved the impartial viewing public the agony of the buildup to what was sure to be an anticlimactic Game 7.

Los Angeles lost more than its dignity, however. The City of Angels will also bid adieu to its Arena Football League team, the Avengers, according to the terms of a bet between Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa and Boston Mayor Thomas Menino. Had Villaraigosa won the bet, an obvious joke that pales in comparison to the best wagers of all-time, Menino would have arranged to have the New England Patriots shipped to L.A. Clearly, each city's respective payoffs were as lopsided as the matchup that decided the wager's outcome.

For any Bostonians who care, your new AFL team is somehow still alive for the playoffs despite a craptastic 5-10 record. Here are the scenarios by which the Avengers can clinch a playoff berth:

1) Win + Colorado loss
2) Win + Grand Rapids loss
3) Win + Utah loss
4) Utah loss + Grand Rapids win + Colorado win
5) Paul Pierce at QB + KG at WR + Ray Allen at RB
6) The scandalous AFL referees make it so

Farewell, Trent

2008-04-09T12:05:00.000-07:00

With the report that Trent Johnson will become LSU's next head coach on the heels of the Lopez twins' announcement that they will enter the NBA draft, the question becomes, will Stanford win 10 games next season? I'm betting yes, if only because 8 non-conference wins should be easy to come by and there are no plans to contract Oregon State from the Pac-10.

As for who will replace Johnson, well, your guess is as good as mine. But if we're speculating...

Mike Montgomery

Pros: The man won 547 games on the Farm and was responsible for turning Stanford into a perennial contender before leaving for a predictably unsuccessful stint as head coach of the NBA's Golden State Warriors.

Cons: He was introduced as Ben Braun's replacement at rival Cal last week. No biggie.

Jim Harbaugh

Pros: Stanford 24, USC 23. This guy is a miracle worker.

Cons: The extent of his basketball coaching knowledge is conversations with his brother-in-law, new Indiana head coach Tom Crean.

Nick Robinson

Pros: He drained the most memorable shot in Stanford basketball history.

Cons: He has virtually no coaching experience.

Todd Bozeman

Pros: It would complete a hilarious swap with Cal, where Bozeman coached from 1993-96 and led the Golden Bears to three NCAA tournament appearances.

Cons: The reason Bozeman left Cal -- and only recently resumed his coaching career at Morgan State -- is that the NCAA learned he paid a recruit $30,000 over two years.

If You Don't Get It, You Don't Get I

2008-04-08T15:21:00.000-07:00

What's wrong with this picture? Well, besides the fact that the outfield seats are virtually empty for the second game ever at Nationals Park.

Still not sure? Here's a closer view.

Forget fixing the radar gun. Someone tell me how it is that the paper that wins a record six Pulitzers can't even get its full name in lights.

Should I assume that this is the Nationals' half-hearted attempt at making its stadium eco-friendly, saving the valuable energy that would otherwise be required to light up one more letter?

Is Dmitri Young manually powering the scoreboard by pedaling furiously on an exercise bike hooked up to a generator in the home clubhouse during the game?

Or is the 'n' purposely unlit, perhaps alerting fans that they are watching a 'night' game, in a nod to the creativity on display at Camden Yards. There, either the 'H' or the 'E' in the sign that reads "THE SUN" atop the scoreboard flashes to clear up any confusion as to whether a play will be scored a hit or an error.

Seriously, by June, this could read, "he Wang pot." But will any fans be there to see it?

C-A-P-S CAPS CAPS CAPS!

2008-04-08T15:18:00.001-07:00

Bring on the Flyers.

Not Everything's Bigger in Texas

2008-03-28T09:53:00.000-07:00

Texas "big man" Connor Atchley, who averaged nearly 10 points per game for the guard-centric Longhorns, recently checked in from Houston with the latest installment of the Tournament Diary on TexasSports.com. Connor says the elevated court at Reliant Stadium, where Texas should have a decided advantage in the stands, is amazing, while practicing at the Toyota Center, home of the Houston Rockets, was awesome. Amazing and awesome don't even begin to describe the double smackdown that the Lopez twins are prepared to dish out tonight. But you don't have to take my word for it...

Tournament diary: Brook Lopez

Holla Cardinal fans,

It's been a crazy couple of days here in Houston. Yesterday we went to Six Flags -- Disneyland is way better -- and then checked out the Johnson Space Center. It was tight. It would be awesome to be an astronaut. Maybe if the NBA thing doesn't work out I'll give that a shot. Speaking of astronauts, coach Johnson broke out the Moon Walk last night after dinner at a steakhouse downtown. The waitresses ate it up. Robin suggested coach use it again during the game tonight if he feels the need to argue another call with the refs. You think they're going to throw him out of the game if he's doing the Moon Walk? No way.

Robin and I performed our choreographed "Thriller" dance and that brought the house down. We were ridin' dirty around town after that and then came back to the hotel in time for me to e-mail a paper (I remembered this time!). We watched some film this morning, had a good shootaround, and have been chilling ever since. As for tonight, I expect it to be a good game, but their big guys couldn't really match up with us if we were standing on the ground and they were on the elevated court. I'm just sayin'. Hook that.

Fear the Tree,

Brook

Get Your CBI Gear!

2008-03-27T08:21:00.000-07:00

Sean Singletary's impressive career ended along with Virginia's crappy season last night in Charlottesville, where bracket-busting Bradley overcame a double-digit deficit to stun the Hoos in the Final Four of the CBI. What better way to remember the Cavaliers' magical, if largely meaningless, run than with the official CBI Final 109 locker room t-shirt? Only $44, while supplies -- and this ridiculous tournament -- last.

Let's Go Bel-mont!

2008-03-21T07:43:00.000-07:00

You know it's March when an entire bar ~~in Northern Virginia~~ anywhere except Nashville breaks into a chorus of cheers for Belmont University. As the 15th-seeded Bruins hung tough with Duke throughout the second half of yesterday's opening round game at Verizon Center, one enterprising Duke-hater at the bar started looking for the words to Belmont's fight song on his Blackberry. Sadly, neither the song nor Belmont's "Grr Cheer" will be heard for some time. I have Duke advancing to the Sweet 16, but Coach K's boys will have their hands full with West Virginia tomorrow. After all, they're playing in a venue that flashes the Duke logo and images of Greg Paulus and J.J. Redick on the video screen to get fans to boo during NBA games.

B-E-L-M-O-N-T...Grr!!!!!

Final Four Picks: Fear the Tree

2008-03-20T06:15:00.001-07:00

I will live and die by the Tree in my NCAA tournament pools this year. Call it a hunch, call it blatant homerism -- thank goodness Maryland isn't in the tournament, too --, call it what you will. If the Lopezes carry Stanford on their backs to San Antonio, where the Cardinal last made a Final Four appearance in 1998, I'll be sitting pretty. If not, well, Stanford fans will always have Mark Madsen.

East: North Carolina over Louisville
South: Stanford over Pitt
West: UCLA over Xavier
Midwest: Kansas over Georgetown

Final Four: Kansas over North Carolina; Stanford over UCLA

National Championship: Kansas over Stanford

BREAKING: Pryor chooses Maryland!

2008-03-19T08:28:00.000-07:00

Four days after declaring Penn State "too country" for him, prized quarterback recruit Terrelle Pryor announced today that he will attend Maryland. The announcement came as a shock, as sources previously said Pryor had narrowed his choices to Ohio State and Michigan. Pryor ultimately decided that Columbus was "too hot" and Ann Arbor was "too cold." College Park, according to Pryor, was "just right."

Seriously, though, I'm sick of this story. Make up your mind already.

My NIT bracket is SO busted!

2008-03-19T05:17:00.000-07:00

Thanks, Maryland. I bank on an opening round flameout at The Barn and you proceed to deliver a remarkably easy 68-58 win over Minnesota. Seriously, guys, did you not see the video of your last game? Where did that come from?

With the Terps trailing early in the first half, my girlfriend asked me, "What would you do if Maryland lost?" Her tone implied that she expected an answer along the lines of "Eat tortoise shell shards," "Jump off the Key Bridge," or, naturally, "Burn your precious Ikea couch." But the truth was that I whole-heartedly expected Maryland to lose last night, so getting worked up about the inevitable seemed silly.

And then something strange happened. Maryland made baskets, defended, and took care of the ball. Gary was his usual fiery self, but the Terps looked relaxed, and, more importantly (I guess), like a team that actually wanted to advance to play Syracuse in the second round. As the double-digit lead dwindled to five, I had visions of Blake Hoffarber adding to his legend and making some even more ridiculous shot to shock the Terps, but Maryland managed to hold on in what felt very much like an NCAA tournament game. And by that, I mean not at all.

After Maryland crapped out of the ACC tournament with a loss to Boston College, I told a friend from UVA that I'd like to see them win an NIT championship like I want herpes. In hindsight, maybe that was a bit harsh. I should've said, I'd like to see Maryland win a CBI title like I want herpes. At least they're playing in a tournament that (definitely, kind of, hardly) matters, right?

Go Terps! And go Cardinal!

Ben Howland Is a Religious Man

2008-03-07T06:41:00.001-08:00

Please stop wasting your breath crying foul about the officiating in last night's Stanford-UCLA overtime thriller. If you can't help yourself, well, feel free to chime in here, but there's really no sense in whining about the phantom call on Lawrence "All Ball" Hill that may or may not have cost Stanford the game and a share of the Pac-10 title.

Yes, it was a bad call. Yes, it sucked. Just ask Darren Collison. The Bruins' point guard, who took over the game in the second half and sent the game into overtime with a pair of free throws following the controversial call on Hill, cleared up any confusion about whether or not he was bailed out on his drive to the basket with 2.5 seconds left.

“That was a block,” Collison said in the postgame press conference. “That was a complete block. We were fortunate to get a foul on that call. I heard it was a makeup.”

A makeup, huh? Well I heard it may have been an act of God. He is, after all, a UCLA fan, judging by what transpired shortly before that "makeup." With Stanford leading 61-59, Russell Westbrook stepped to the line for a pair of free throws. The first was a physics-defying shot, which bounced off the back iron, somehow settled on the front of the rim and ultimately fell through. Westbrook also made the second to tie the game. How ever to explain such a thing?

“The free throw by Russell was actually God answering one of my prayers from the bench,” UCLA coach Ben Howland said. “Trust me. And I mean that; I was there praying right on the bench, and he knocked it down. I just got the tail end of it when it bounced in.”

No wonder Stanford got hosed on the final play of regulation! I don't care if God's on Eastern Standard Time, there's no way he stopped watching after answering the first of Howland's prayers, and not even Lopez quintuplets can stop God. Perhaps Trent Johnson should do a little less cursing and a little more praying from here on out.

Despite the loss, I was very impressed with the Cardinal's showing last night. I honestly don't think it'll take a miracle for Stanford to make a deep run in the NCAA tournament. Maybe a rematch with UCLA in the Holy Land that is San Antonio awaits. Pray for it.

Peep This

2008-03-06T08:02:00.000-08:00

Here's my entry for the Washington Post's 2008 Peeps Diorama Contest. The scene depicts Santana Moss' 42-yard touchdown catch in the final game of the 2007 regular season. Moss beat his would-be defenders deep -- or peep, as it were -- in the fourth quarter to ice the game and the Skins' improbable playoff berth.

Other scenes/ideas I considered:

Portis Peeps -- A montage of Peeps in various CP-inspired costumes. Southeast Peep. Kid Bro Peeps. Peep Gonna Popya. The possibilities are endless.

The Racing Peeps -- Knockoff of the the Nationals' Racing Presidents.

Beep Peep -- Traffic on M St. It's enough to make you want to melt away like a marshmallow on some mornings.

Woof

2008-02-25T06:29:00.001-08:00

Congratulations to the UMBC Retrievers, who wrapped up their first America East Conference regular season title with an overtime victory over New Hampshire on Saturday. Should UMBC win its first two games in the conference tournament, it will host the conference championship game in the RAC, home of the least intimidating Dawg Pound known to man.

I've been one of the Retrievers' biggest supporters in the Atlantic 11 Bog Poll this season, but come on, are those rally monkeys? Clevelanders would not be impressed.

You Wear Makeup! Clap, Clap, Clap-Clap-Clap.

2008-02-24T20:11:00.000-08:00

This is Cal forward Ryan Anderson. According to the Stanford student section, which directed a loud cheer toward him during the second half of the Cardinal's 79-69 win on Sunday, he wears makeup. While I can't confirm the validity of that claim, I can say that no amount of rouge could mask the ugliness of Anderson's shooting line: 2-for-13 from the field. The big man did shoot 10-for-10 from the line and finished with 15 points and 11 rebounds, but he couldn't prevent another cheer that Stanford men's basketball fans have been waiting six years to break out: "Just like football!" It sure sounded good.

I'm still hoping the Cardinal secure a No. 2 seed and a potential second-round date with No. 10 Maryland. If it could happen in Washington, DC, well, that would be all kinds of awesome.

Well That Sucked

2008-02-23T15:28:00.001-08:00

By the grace of Roy Hibbert, I missed most of Maryland's debacle in South Beach because I was watching Georgetown pummel Cincinnati at the Phone Booth. James Gist sure has picked a poor time to turn into Travis Garrison. He's just 12-for-37 in four games since his monster night against N.C. State. And I think we can all agree that anytime is a poor time for Boom Osby to turn into James Gist when it comes to hairstyling preferences. Bring back the 'fro.

On a happier note, I saw this display in Champs the other day. The funny thing? All of these, save for the Christmas Nats hats, were overpriced.

Getting to Know the WTT: Boston Lobsters

2008-02-22T15:45:00.000-08:00

As you eagerly await the release of the Washington Kastles' World TeamTennis schedule, something the team's Web site indicates should happen "by end of February," it's as good a time as any to start learning a little bit about the Kastles' potential opponents.

I'll profile one team in this space every Friday for the next 10 weeks, by which point you still won't care that D.C. has a tennis team and Washington management will, fingers crossed, have scrapped its current logo for this. Well done, notions capital. Well done, indeed.

Let's begin with one of the Original 16 -- the Boston Lobsters.

The History: The Lobsters were a charter member of the league, which began play in 1974 with a 44-match schedule. Boston's owner? Bob Kraft. Perhaps you've heard of him.

The Owner: Businessman Bahar Uttam, who is on the fast-track to leading a major New England franchise to multiple titles in about 20 years, relaunched the Lobsters in 2005. Uttam was once selected as the Tennis Nut of New England by the USTA. John McEnroe must have a few of those awards.

The Coach:Licensed psychologist Anne Smith, a member of the original team, leads the Lobsters. She is the author of two books, including "Grand Slam: Coach Your Mind to Win in Business, Sports, and Life." The book has one review on Amazon.com:

By Slick (Boston, MA)

I found this book very enjoyable to read and very inspirational. The insights from Dr. Smith about winning and competition from her own personal triumphs are intuitive and applicable to parents, coaches, employers and employees. I have a new perspective about what "winning" truly means in life.

It's good to see that Bill Belichick finds time in his busy schedule for some recreational reading.

The Players: Arantxa Sanchez-Vicario, a recent International Tennis Hall of Fame inductee, headlines the Lobsters' roster, while Legal Sea Foods and Sam Adams are two of the team's main sponsors.

The Logo: There’s just something about a lobster holding a tennis racquet that makes me smile. Maybe it’s the thought of eating said lobster. Coupled with its creativity – lob-ster, get it? – the logo and team name are brilliantly delicious.

Bubblicious

2008-02-21T05:37:00.000-08:00

Well that was vomitrific. After being swept by the heaving Hokies, the Terps close the regular season with three of four on the road and dates with NCAA tournament hopefuls Wake Forest, Miami, and Clemson. It should be awesome. I think I might just throw up in my mouth a little bit.

If you're not about to eat, enjoy the video of the incident via The Sporting Blog:

5 Questions About the Nats

2008-02-20T14:00:00.000-08:00

The Washington Nationals' pitchers and catchers reported to Viera on Friday and the rest of the team should arrive at ~~rehab~~ ~~prison~~ Spring Training today. As Manny Acta's squad begins its quest to improve upon last season's surprisingly mediocre record, questions abound: Who will start at shortstop and second base? What will the rotation look like? Will Nick Johnson or Dmitri Young be traded?

The WaPo has touched on all of those questions in some detail recently. But the Nationals' success or lack thereof this season could hinge on the answers to the following, more burning questions:

1. Will Teddy finally win the Presidents Race?

Ricky Bobby’s dad said, “If you ain’t first, you’re last.” If he wasn’t so hardened by his Rough Rider, Teddy might have a hard time coming to grips psychologically with his laughable ineptitude in the Presidents Race. Could this be the year he gets into the win column? Could this be the year the Redskins implement the Racing Portises – Racing Coaching Candidates – during TV timeouts? A man can dream.

Prediction: Mr. Run Slowly and Carry a Big Stick charges out to a huge lead on Opening Night before a guy in a huge John Wilkes Booth costume misses his intended target, Abe, and drills Teddy with a t-shirt gun.

2. Which National will appear in the police blotter first?

Bret Boone looks primed for a bar fight, Viera style. Anyone who heckles Lastings Milledge about his rap album could be asking for trouble. And would you really be all that surprised to hear that Elijah Dukes punched a fan in the face while waiting in line at Panera after said fan asked Dukes for a personalized text message instead of an autograph? Well, you shouldn’t be.

Prediction: As much as I want to believe – and sincerely hope – that the kid has turned his life around, I have to go with Dukes, dawg. I was somewhat tempted to nominate Ryan Zimmerman, if only to top the absurdity of Nook Logan being named in the Mitchell Report.

3. How many innings will John Patterson pitch this season?

The flowing locks are gone. The hop is back. Will his fragile body hold up? And what’s that panda’s name again?

Prediction: 100. After pitching a combined 71 innings over the last two seasons, I think this is generous. I also think the club would be thrilled to have JP healthy enough to make 15-20 starts. I’ll pay $1 to land him on my NL-only fantasy baseball team for a third consecutive season.

4. How early will you have to arrive at Nationals Park to be one of the first 15,000 lucky souls to receive a Dmitri Young bobblehead on May 1?

Screech, Teddy, and Dmitri will make for an incredible Bobblebelly trio for your mantle or dashboard.

Prediction: I’m typing this from a tent along the Southeast-Southwest freeway.

5. Who will be the Nationals’ biggest surprise?

Written off by most, Dmitri Young came out of nowhere last year to post terrific numbers that earned him Comeback Player of the Year honors. Will another Nat step up to the plate to keep that award in Washington?

Prediction: Dukes. If he can control his temper and keeps certain people out of his Fav Five calling plan, I'll bet he forces his way into significant playing time. Think 18-55-.285. Yeah, I'm drinking the Kool-Aid.

Clemens' Doodles

2008-02-14T10:19:00.001-08:00

While watching Brian McNamee and Roger Clemens ~~lie~~ give testimony under oath at yesterday's congressional hearing on Capitol Hill, I couldn't help but notice Clemens pick up his pen between bouts of bumbling and scribble something as if he were taking notes. I can only imagine what was on that paper -- and how much it would fetch on ebay.

The Redskins' Coaching Search from A to Z

2008-02-10T10:17:00.000-08:00

A is for Art Monk, whose election to the Hall of Fame while the Skins were still coach-less was a long time coming.

B is for 'Balls!' -- the reaction from most fans when Jim Fassel emerged as a leading candidate.

C is for Continuity, the definition of which is lost on Dan Snyder.

D is for David Tyree, Super Bowl hero, who has as much head coaching experience as Jim Zorn.

E is for Elongated, as in "This search was too damn elongated."

F is for Fassel False Alarm -- see B.

G is for Gregg Williams, the popular choice from the start.

H is for Housekeeping staff, which was busy at Snyder's guest home.

I is for Ill Will, or what Fassell has for Vinny Cerrato.

J is for Jason Campbell, the supposed future of the franchise no matter who's in charge.

K is for Kansas City Chiefs, who wouldn't hire Fassel as their offensive coordinator.

L is for Lights Out, as in the multiple power failures during Zorn's introductory news conference.

M is for Maroon and Black, which is how Zorn described the Redskins' color scheme.

N is for No-Name Hire -- for a change.

O is for Orioles Owner Peter Angelos, one of the few men who makes Dan Snyder look like a genius.

P is for Positive Thinking. Think happy thoughts.

Q is for Questionable decisions.

R is for Ron Meeks -- another candidate who bit the dust.

S is for Six, as in the number of Redskins head coaches since Snyder bought the team.

T is for Timetable.

U is for Uncertainty.

V is for Vinny, enemy spy for the Dallas Cowboys.

W is for Who, as in "Who the hell is Jim Zorn?"

X is for X's and O's.

Y is for Yesterday's News -- at long last.

Z is for Zorn.

The Definitive History of the Bud Bowl

2008-01-28T20:59:00.000-08:00

Check out mentalfloss.com.

BREAKING: Snyder tabs Skins fans as head coach(es)

2008-01-28T17:08:00.000-08:00

ASHBURN, Va. - Dan Snyder will introduce Washington Redskins fans as the replacement for head coach Joe Gibbs at a press conference tomorrow, according to a team official who spoke on condition of anonymity. (Shh...It was Karl Swanson.) The announcement ends nearly three weeks' worth of rampant speculation and consternation about who would replace Gibbs, who retired for a second time after the Redskins' 35-14 divisional playoff loss at Seattle on Jan. 5.

A man who identified himself as Mr. Six answered the phone at Snyder's residence and said the Redskins owner was not available to comment on the report.

The team official said Snyder originally thought of the idea while playing the popular football strategy game QB1 at a bar during Washington's bye week, and that the fans remained his top candidates to replace Gibbs after the legendary coach decided to return to NASCAR following a particularly trying season. Dragging out the process, the official said, was all part of Snyder's plan to foster as much resentment as possible among the fans before springing a surprise that would trump even Gibbs' return to Washington in 2004.

Jim Fassel, Gregg Williams, et al., were more or less pawns, and all of them wanted more control than Snyder and Redskins Executive Vice President Vinny Cerrato were willing to concede, the official said. By naming the fans, who will reportedly use a QB1-like interface on Redskins.com to make play calls that will be relayed into new offensive coordinator Jim Zorn's headset, Snyder will drive traffic to his site up and simultaneously save upwards of $3 million that he would've otherwise spent on an NFL retread.

"I think it's really going to help Jason (Campbell) develop," one NFC assistant said. "Plays like 'Pass Left,' 'Pass Middle,' 'Pass Deep,' and 'Run Middle' are a hell of a lot easier to master than Al (Saunders') 700-page playbook. Once Jason gets a feel for the offense, I think you'll see them get a little more sophisticated, maybe throwing in some 'Pass Deep Lefts' and stuff."

The same assistant cautioned, however, that Campbell, coming off a knee injury, might not be ready for the Game Breaker right away. "If those fans get trigger happy and go for the home run on every play," he said, "it could be a long year."

Zorn would neither confirm nor deny the report, but said he would "support whomever Mr. Snyder decides to bring in here."

When self-proclaimed Redskins superfan Eric Stauffer, heard the news, he was buying eggs at a local Safeway -- "to egg Danny Boy's house," he said. "Are you serious? That's awesome," Stauffer screamed, putting down the eggs and offering an early prediction for next season. "We're going to the Super Bowl, baby! I'm totally money at that game; I kick all of my friends' (butts)."

When asked whether his friends were also Redskins fans, who, presumably, would also help make play-calling decisions, Stauffer's grin disappeared.

"Oh yeah," he said. "That's a good point. I think as long as we find a way to keep Cowboys fans from getting on there, we should be OK. We'll work that out in training camp."

10 Things You'll Never Hear Dan Snyder Say

2008-01-28T06:40:00.000-08:00

10. Mission: Impossible 2 sucked.
9. Come on kids, let's go to King's Dominion!
8. My heart will always belong to Raljon.
7. I drafted Adam Archuleta as my IDP in my fantasy football league.
6. I'm wrong, you're right, I'm sorry.
5. Hey LaVar, this is Danny, just seeing if you wanted to watch the game from my suite.
4. I searched my guts out to find a new head coach.
3. We listened to the players.
2. We listened to the fans.
1. Vinny, I think your hands could use a break, I'm going to cancel my scheduled baby oil rubdown.

The idea for this list came from my roommate, the rare breed of UVA graduate who is never borderline insufferable.

I kid. We can only hope someone so bright is running the Redskins someday, and sooner rather than later.

Hail...Jim(m) Fassel?

2008-01-23T21:35:00.000-08:00

I’m really trying hard to avoid making any sort of snap judgment about the expected hiring of Jim Fassel, but -- oh, screw it, I can't resist -- WHAT THE &%#@ is Dan Snyder thinking? So much for continuity. So much for a sexy hire. So much for the next few seasons? I guess we’ll see. No snap judgments.

Understatement of the day in 3…2…1: Jim Fassel, Rex Ryan, and Jim Zorn aren’t exactly the Holy Trinity of NFL coaches. You know how Chris Cooley and Chris Samuels are going to honor the late, great Sean Taylor by wearing his No. 21 at the Pro Bowl? Well if Fassel is hired, I've decided to honor Gregg Williams -- the man Snyder should hire, the man the players want Snyder to hire, and the man who will, undoubtedly, haunt the Redskins in whatever job he lands next -- by referring to him as Jimm Fassel.

But enough of the gloom and doom, which has dominated Redskins circles since Fassel emerged as the leading candidate. (Nearly half of the respondents to a Washington Post poll think the decision to hire Fassel would be "Horrible," while 2.5 percent -- thanks for stopping by, Cowboys, Eagles and Giants fans -- say it's "Great." Incidentally, "I'd rather be bludgeoned to death with an end zone pylon than see Jim Fassel in burgundy and gold" was not an option.) Let's think positively, like akers553 on washingtonpost.com:

"I hope they hire Fassel so all of you people that say you will give up your season tickets will do so and I can get closer to the top of the season ticket waiting list!"

That's the spirit! Also on the bright side, the Redskins actually could do ~~a lot~~ slightly worse than Fassel. I mean, it’s not like Danny Boy is going to hire any of these guys. Right?

Jerry Glanville

In his first season as head coach at Portland State, the Vikings’ high-octane offense scored an impressive 30.7 points per game while the team struggled to a 3-8 record. How? PSU’s un-Gregg Williams-like defense allowed 38 points and 425 yards per game.

Art Shell

Shell was ranked No. 55 on The Sporting News’ list of the 100 Greatest NFL Players, but he couldn’t coach a hypothetical team comprised of players 1-53 on that list to a winning record in the NFC West. He does, however, satisfy this list's Rooney Rule.

Norv Turner

While Gibbs 2.0 wasn’t everything Redskins fans had hoped for, Norv 2.0 would be everything they have hoped against -- and more!

Vinny Cerrato

The day that Vinny finally gets the respect – and the authority to make roster decisions – that he so rightfully deserves is the day that I adopt the Baltimore Ravens as my new hometown team.

Mike Tice

Word is that the Potomac Riverboat Company offered to pay Tice’s signing bonus if Snyder made this happen.

Lindy Infante

The former Indianapolis Colts head coach was instrumental in the development of Ken Anderson and Bernie Kosar as the offensive coordinator in Cincinnati and Cleveland, respectively. With a track record like that, maybe he could turn Campbell into a mediocre QB, too.

Wayne Fontes

When Lions owner William Clay Ford fired Fontes after a disappointing 5-11 season in 1996, Fontes called Ford the “best owner in the National Football League.” You think Snyder isn't jealous of this fact?

Rich Kotite

Kotite lost 31 of his last 35 games as an NFL head coach with the Eagles and Jets, but his experience and vast knowledge of the NFC East is exactly the type of continuity the Redskins’ front office was looking for.

Assist to JScramble for help coming up with this atrocious compilation of coaches. Narrowly missing the cut: Mike Riley, Gregg Popovich (double-G continuity, see), Dave Shula, Richie Petitbon, Terry Robiskie, Steve Spurrier, Ray Handley, Marty Mornhinweg, Brian Billick.

Yeahhhhhhhhh, boyeeeee!

2008-01-21T17:40:00.000-08:00

While watching Georgetown's OT win over Syracuse on Monday, my roommate commented early in the second half that Syracuse phenom Johnny Flynn looks a bit like Flavor Flav -- minus the viking hat, of course.

Flynn then proceeded to miss his final eight shots.

It's certainly no Chris Rock-Kammron Taylor comparison, but I could see Flynn rocking a clock and gold grill. You decide.

Boom Jaws

2008-01-20T08:03:00.000-08:00

In last week's Bog Poll, I used an aquatic theme to describe the area's 11 ~~best~~ least awful teams. I compared Maryland, which was coming off a 1-point loss to Virginia Tech -- and, lest you forget, had previously dropped home games to Ohio (not St.) and American -- to the Red Hind fish. In addition to sharing the same color, Maryland also seemed destined to spend the season near the bottom of the ocean floor, or the ACC standings as it were.

No doubt inspired by the unflattering comparison, the Terps, for one day, at least, shred that Red Hind label with an impressive, out-of-nowhere win over UNC in Chapel Hill.

Beware, behemoths of the ACC, the Boom Shark is loose.

Duke's next.

Boom Goes That Undefeated Season

2008-01-19T16:29:00.000-08:00

Heel. F-ing. Yes. Well that was fun.

After watching Maryland polish off Wake Forest on Tuesday night, I told my girlfriend I'd be watching Maryland beat North Carolina on Saturday afternoon if she wanted to join me.

On Thursday, I asked her, "What are you doing on Saturday at 3:30?" Without missing a beat, she responded, "Watching Maryland beat North Carolina." She even put it in her planner.

Only an idiot or an eternal optimist thought Maryland -- an 18-point underdog against an 18-0 team on the road -- had much of a chance against the Tar Heels. I'm a little bit of both.

When UNC alum Antawn Jamison was asked about his thoughts on the game following the Wizards' win over the Knicks on Friday night, he broke into a huge grin and said, "I'm smiling; tomorrow's going to be an easy one."

Not so much. Five minutes into the game, it was clear North Carolina wouldn't mop the floor with Greivis Vasquez's facial hair and cruise to another 30-plus point win -- a moral victory of sorts for the Terps. Still, Vasquez was making careless decisions with the ball, James Gist was taking ill-advised 3-pointers (who the hell does he think he is, Oleksiy Pecherov?), and one couldn't help but think that the Terps' six-point halftime lead should've -- and this is ludicrous to type -- been even greater.

But Vasquez settled down in the second half, Gist did his thing inside, Boom Osby continued to play like a beast, and Maryland got major contributions from Landon Milbourne, Cliff Tucker and Eric Hayes, who returned from an ankle injury to drain two huge threes. Had Tyler Hansbrough made that game-winning 3-point attempt at the buzzer, Maryland still would've left Chapel Hill with the confidence that it could play with any team in the country. Instead, with Gary Williams' seventh win over a No. 1 team, they left with that confidence and more, including a push closer to the outer fringes of the NCAA tournament bubble.

My girlfriend and I both enjoyed the shots of UNC coeds crying afterward. "All of them have bad skin," she told me. Ouch.

Vasquez's post-game interview with Steve Lavin was classic, especially the part when he wanted people to know that, while at times it seems he wants to do everything himself (No, it never seems like that, Greivis!) , it's not about him, it's about the team, it's about Maryland men's basketball.

Amen.

This Could Get Ugly

2008-01-19T07:56:00.000-08:00

Maryland visits Chapel Hill today looking to knock off top-ranked and undefeated UNC. The Tar Heels are all kinds of ridiculous at home, scoring 98 points per game, shooting over 50 percent from the floor, and pummeling opponents by an average of more than 30 points. Maryland, meanwhile, has pretty much sucked all year no matter where they play, and starting point guard Eric Hayes is expected to miss his fourth consecutive game. No big deal. I think the over/under on Greivis Vasquez's turnover total in this game is hovering somewhere around 14.

Still, I'm giving MD a shot. Remember 1995...

Selected Highlights:

- Rasheed Wallace's white spot (1:11)
- The "Wave hat" in the background -- I think this was the official NFL sideline hat in 1994 (1:18)
- Dante Calabria sucking (throughout)
- Dean Smith signaling "No mas" (2:18)
- Johnny Rhodes popping his jersey -- this was stupid even back then (3:01)
- Euphoric Guy (3:05)
- Red pom-poms(3:12)

What now?

2008-01-08T08:41:00.000-08:00

Q: How do you replace a legend?
A: Not with Richie Petitbon.

As the second search in the last 15 years for Joe Gibbs' replacement begins, the early list of candidates includes Redskin assistant coaches Gregg Williams and Al Saunders, and former Pittsburgh Steelers head coach Bill Cowher. While he has denied he is interested in getting back into coaching, Cowher is the most intriguing potential replacement outside of Nick Saban (would you really be surprised?), Steve Sabol (nobody's better at breaking down film), and Terry Robiskie (he could hire his son as the new Wide Receivers Coach).

JScramble and I would like to see someone else get a look. He's a man who represents the Redskins' glory years as well as anyone; a man who has the coaching skills and experience to build on Gibbs' success; a man who values the running game; a man who, according to Mark May, loves beer; a man who, presumably, knows the rule about calling back-to-back timeouts.

Hogs and Hogettes, Russ Grimm.

Grimm coached with the Redskins after winning three Super Bowls in Washington and studied under some of the game's brightest minds. He played for and coached alongside Gibbs and was a candidate for the head coaching position in Chicago before moving on to Pittsburgh, where he won another Super Bowl as Cowher's assistant head coach/offensive line.

Grimm was considered a candidate to replace Cowher, but when Mike Tomlin was hired, he headed to Arizona with fellow former Steelers assistant Ken Whisenhunt. When asked whether it would be weird coaching alongside a man with whom he competed for the Steelers' and Cardinals' head coaching jobs, Grimm said, "I don't mind riding shotgun."

It's the perfect time for the Redskins to put the former Hog in the driver's seat.

Say It Ain't So, Joe

2008-01-08T06:11:00.000-08:00

"WASHINGTON -- Joe Gibbs will resign as coach and team president of the Washington Redskins, the Associated Press has learned."

While Gibbs' noncommittal press conference yesterday was a little strange, this is still pretty surprising news. Perhaps the emotional drain of what Gibbs called his most trying season took its toll on the greatest head coach in Redskins history. An explanation will likely come later today.

As critical as I was of Gibbs this season with respect to his poor clock management and baffling decisions, I respect and admire the way he held the team together in the wake of Sean Taylor's death. That remarkable feat, along with his final Super Bowl season, will be my lasting memory of Gibbs, not the back-to-back timeouts he called at the end of a gut-wrenching loss to Buffalo this year.

I'll remember the boundless optimism most Redskins fans felt when Gibbs announced he was returning to coaching in 2004, injecting new life into a franchise that needed it, and the conversation I had with Gibbs' son Coy for an article I wrote while in college shortly thereafter.

During the 1991 season, when the Redskins went 14-2, my uncle flew Gibbs from Virginia to North Carolina. Not much of a football fan, he raved about what a great guy Gibbs was and had him sign a plush Redskins football for me. I was 8 at the time, so imagine my excitement when my uncle handed me a ball that read, "To Scott, a super Skins fan. Thanks! Joe Gibbs."

Thank you, Joe. Best of luck in your life post-football.

The Original Six

2008-01-07T20:30:00.000-08:00

Ever wonder what happened to the Original Six American Gladiators? Find out on Mentalfloss.com.

Then, take a trip down memory lane, to a simpler time when competitors could run up the Travelator with relative ease and, uh, actually stay on the hand bike for more than two revolutions.

Bog Poll, Thanbauk Style

2008-01-07T20:03:00.000-08:00

Atlantic 11 Bog Poll Pithmaster Bill Fitzgerald submitted some outstanding haiku and limericks with two of his most recent ballots, raising the proverbial bar for future pith. Like most of the local hoops teams that make up the poll, I have fallen woefully short of any such measure of success with my latest ballot -- in lovely Thanbauk form. It's fitting, really: Crappy and forgettable poetry for crappy and forgettable teams.

This week's full Week 8 Bog Poll -- and other goodness -- can be found here.

Oh, and if you're wondering why there's a photo of Jack Cust accompanying this post, well I guess you'll just have to read on. Sucker.

1. Georgetown

Hoyas down Knights;

Set their sights on

new heights – UConn.

2. George Mason

Pats jump to two;

Almost blew lead,

but phew, hung on.

3. Virginia

Where is the D?

Don’t ask me, dude

For three…it’s good!

4. VCU

Rebound from loss,

Maynor is boss, league

is toss-up, fool.

5. James Madison

Dukes fall to Pride;

Run and hide, as

this ride is stalled.

6. UMBC

Dogs in ’08;

Looking great for

a date in Dance?

7. Virginia Tech

In wake of bust,

Hokies must win;

Jack Cust did ’roids.

8. Maryland

So hot right now;

Gary’s vow: Terps

will wow in March.

9. Richmond

Spiders surprise,

On the rise for

now; sky’s limit.

10. Old Dominion

Monarchs fade fast

in the past month;

near last in poll.

Playoff Prediction Haiku: NFC Wild Card Games

2008-01-05T12:16:00.000-08:00

Washington Redskins at Seattle Seahawks

Amazing Collins
Throws all day against Seahawks
Redskins silence Qwest 12th Man

Prediction: Redskins 28, Seahawks 17

New York Giants at Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Manning really sucks
Bucs' division even worse
Tiki Barber gloats

Prediction: Giants 20, Buccaneers 17

Fun With Paint

2008-01-04T22:46:00.000-08:00

No disrespect to Nate Robinson -- the Seattle Times' cartoonist, not the pint-sized dunking machine -- as I think his work is Todd Collinsesque, which is to say da domb diggity. Robinson's original cartoon, which I, uh, touched up using my mad Paint skillz, can be found here.

Go Skins!

The Other Todd Collins

2007-12-20T12:04:00.000-08:00

While Redskins ball-sniffing savior quarterback Todd Collins was backing up Jim Kelly and Trent Green, linebacker Todd Fucking Collins was busy going to Super Bowls with the New England Patriots and St. Louis Rams. OK, so Todd F. Collins' middle name is actually Franklin. Whatever.

Neither player will have his bust displayed in Canton -- though TCQB might play his way into the Redskins' Ring of Honor if he can become the fourth and most awesomest quarterback to win a Super Bowl under Joe Gibbs -- but it's worth asking: Who is the greatest Todd Collins in NFL history? (You can play this game with Adrian Peterson, too.)

Let's take a look at the Tale of the Todds:


Todd F. Collins		Todd Collins
Carson-Newman, Georgia, and Tennessee	COLLEGE	Michigan
Played 9 years for the Patriots and Rams; played in two Super Bowls (XXXI and XXXIV); recovered two fumbles as a rookie.	CAREER HIGHLIGHTS	Set the NFL quarterback record for the longest time between starts; more to come. Wikipedia says: “No notable achievements.”
Attended same school (Carson-Newman) as former Baltimore Colts linebacker Sanders Shiver, who, incidentally, is the greatest player named Sanders Shiver to ever play the game.	USELESS FACTOID	Holds the career completion percentage record at Michigan. Suck it, Tom Brady.
Second image on Google image search for “Todd Collins.”	POPULARITY	First image on Google image search for “Todd Collins.”
Rubs charms and stones on areas of his body where he’s had a previous injury, an old Indian fetish.	“QUESTIONABLE” SUPERSTITION	Sniffs balls. No, really.

Analysis: Todd Collins holds an NFL record; Todd F. Collins just holds charms and stones over his body. Case closed -- even before TCQB adds that Super Bowl MVP award to his resume.

...AND the foul!

2007-12-20T07:28:00.001-08:00

The ever witty Colin Cowherd doesn't know anything about the Wake Forest or Connecticut football teams and mailed it in with his comment about their upcoming appearance in the Meineke Car Care Bowl (click above for larger image). But really, if you're going to make a basketball reference to a three-pointer at the buzzer, at least make the winning margin of your projected final score three points or less. Just saying.

As for the SportsNation vs. The Herd Bowl Pick 'Em contest, I predict SportsNation hits a grand slam in the bottom of the ninth to win, 19-13.

Joan Rivers is DeShawn Stevenson

2007-12-16T15:22:00.000-08:00

No, she didn't rediscover her long-range stroke. She can't feel her face!

DeShawn should switch his car insurance to Geico. Pronto.

Inside Mark Brunell's Brain

2007-12-16T10:48:00.000-08:00

No disrespect to Todd Collins, but playing second fiddle to this guy is a little harder to swallow than when Byron Leftwich unseated me in Jacksonville. It's kind of like the time I watched my former UW teammate Billy Joe Hobert get selected 60 picks ahead of me in the NFL draft. That guy sucked.

But honestly, I just feel blessed to be able to hold a clipboard and wear a sweet NFL official sideline cap for the Washington Redskins. It's also an honor and a blessing to play for Joe Gibbs.

It's also exciting to think that I'm one Michael Strahan pancake or Osi Umenyiora blow to the head away from strapping on my helmet and leading this team again. Not that I would ever wish for anything like that to happen, but have you seen the state of our offensive line? Heck, Steve Emtman would have a field day against this bunch.

I'm not one to second guess Coach Joe, but I really think we need a mobile quarterback -- like me! -- under center for this game.

Live from New York, it's Sunday Night!

2007-12-14T19:43:00.000-08:00

On October 27, 1991, the Redskins traveled to East Rutherford, N.J., for a Sunday night game against the defending Super Bowl champion Giants. Washington had rolled to a 7-0 record, while New York, at 4-3, was hoping to keep its NFC East hopes alive.

All of eight years old, I was thrilled to have had a legitimate reason to stay up past my bedtime on a school night; I had a job to to. As an unofficial Redskins beat reporter, I wrote recaps the day after every game that season, finding time in between learning long division and the state capitals in my third grade class.

Here's the recap from that game, reproduced in its original form, which is written in cursive, on wide-ruled notebook paper, stapled between two sheets of red and yellow construction paper:

The Skins kicked off to Mikeelh Johnson. He returned it to the 16. Jeff Hostetler handed off to Rodney Hampton. He ran for five yards. The Giants kept on handing off to Hampton who put them in field goal range. The Giants led 3-0. The Redskins were stuffed on there first drive.

The Giants drove 80 yards to the 9 of Washington but were forced to kick a field goal to make the score 6-0 at the end of the first quarter. In the second quarter the Redskins started from there own 20 yard line. Mark Rypien threw 2 straight complete passes for 18 yards. But pretty soon it was 3rd down and 10. Then he tried to throw a 54 yard pass to Gary Clark but it slipped threw his hands. the score was 13-0 Giants at the end of the first half. In the second half it was all Washington. The Giants kicked of to Brian Mitchell who returned 11 yards to the 23 of Washington. Then Ricky Ervins checked in for Earnest Byner. The Skins were inside the 40 of New York when Mark Rypien threw a 38 yard touchdown pass to make the score 13-7.

The Redskins scored another touchdown on there next drive to make the score 14-13. The final score was 17-13 Redskins.

OF NOTE: Sixteen years later, 3rd down and 10 still seems to arrive "pretty soon"...The Redskins haven't always been a first-half team...I obviously fell asleep shortly after Washington cut the deficit to 13-7...Ricky Ervins was a beast...I could've used an editor.

Here's Frank Litsky's account of the same game in the New York Times.

Basically the same story, no?